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Some think that only those people who have worked for a company for many years should be promoted to a higher position. Do you agree? v.1

Some think that only those people who have worked for a company for many years should be promoted to a higher position. Do you agree? v. 1
There is an opinion that primary staff members who have dedicated many years to working for a particular company should be given executive positions in a company. I disagree with this viewpoint as much as younger workers may have more skills and if not provided with an opportunity for a promotion, they will become less motivated. Although senior employees have proven to be reliable and loyal, more often than not, it is novices who have a wider cluster of actual skills. This is because young specialists exert their full effort in mastering their hard and soft skills in order to meet the requirements of today’s highly competitive job market. Therefore, having been promoted, such workers may bring innovation and help to better incorporate the latest technological advances into business processes, which is irreplaceable for every company to flourish. ​For example, the average age of a new hire at Facebook is only 23, for this very purpose. Yet another reason why less experienced staff members should have even chances for a promotion is that otherwise they will not be motivated to do their best. Knowing that however hard they try, they still will not be given a higher position in a company, young employees are likely to grow reluctant to go the extra mile, which may negatively affect a company’s revenue and curb its development. To illustrate, a prominent IT entrepreneur Pavel Durov had to leave his first workplace despite his outstanding abilities, he was not rewarded with a leading role. As a result, he has successfully set up his own business, while his employer lost his company due to a lack of highly qualified workers. To sum up, even though individuals who have worked fewer years for a particular company might be less trustworthy, they should be equally promoted as they have up-to-date knowledge and skill sets. Besides that, this will encourage them to apply their abilities to the fullest, thus contributing to the prosperity of a company.
There is an opinion that primary staff members who have dedicated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years to working for a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
executive positions in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. I disagree with this viewpoint as much as younger workers may have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and if not provided with an opportunity for a promotion, they will become less motivated.

Although senior employees have proven to be reliable and loyal, more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not, it is novices who have a wider cluster of actual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
young specialists exert their full effort in mastering their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the requirements of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
highly
competitive job market.
Therefore
, having
been promoted
, such workers may bring innovation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to better incorporate the latest technological advances into business processes, which is irreplaceable for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to flourish. ​
For example
, the average age of a new hire at Facebook is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
23, for this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
purpose.

Yet
another reason why less experienced staff members should have even chances for a promotion is that
otherwise
they will not
be motivated
to do their best. Knowing that
however
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
they try, they
still
will not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a higher position in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, young employees are likely to grow reluctant to go the extra mile, which may
negatively
affect a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
revenue and curb its development. To illustrate, a prominent IT entrepreneur Pavel
Possible spelling mistake found.
Durov
had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
his
first
workplace despite his outstanding abilities, he was not rewarded with a leading role.
As a result
, he has
successfully
set up his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business, while his employer lost his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
due to a lack of
highly
qualified workers.

To sum up,
even though
individuals who have worked fewer years for a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
might be less trustworthy, they should be
equally
promoted as they have up-to-date knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
sets.
Besides
that, this will encourage them to apply their abilities to the fullest,
thus
contributing to the prosperity of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Some think that only those people who have worked for a company for many years should be promoted to a higher position. Do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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