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Some people believe that entertainers are more important than scientists. Do you agree or disagree? Support with reasons and examples from your own experience. v.1

Some people believe that entertainers are more important than scientists. Support with reasons and examples from your own experience. v. 1
Our world in 21th century is developed by many scientists and artists. Although, It is undeniable that some people may think artist are less important than the scientist. From my point of view, I strongly disagree with this statement. Furthermore, I think both are essential for us in equal, described in the following paragraph. It is apparent that nowadays technology becomes a significant part of our life. Scientists have created many technology and devices to make our life more convenient. Many helpful devices are not just beneficial, but it can be used as a decorated things in our house. However, the scientists are expert in their field. Thereby, we need artist to design it to look more perfect. On the contrary, there are a lot of problems and uncomfortable things that make people feel stressed. When they want to relief their stress they need someone to entertain them in many kinds. For example, watching the comedy movie to decrease the depression. Many people also love to do art and draw to entertain themselves. Though, some people love to listen or play a music. To conclude, I respectively disagree with the statement because our world needs balance between arts and sciences. This is why entertainer and scientist is equally important.
Our world in
Please check the suffix, if this is an ordinal number.
21th
century
is developed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and artists. Although, It is undeniable that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
artist are less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
. From my point of view, I
strongly
disagree with this statement.
Furthermore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
both are essential for us in equal,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
in the following paragraph.

It is apparent that nowadays technology becomes a significant part of our life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Scientists
have created
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
technology and devices to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our life more convenient.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
helpful devices are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
beneficial,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a decorated
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "thing"?
things
in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are expert in their field. Thereby, we need artist to design it to look more perfect.

On the contrary
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
problems and uncomfortable things that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
they want to relief their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
they need someone to entertain them in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds.
For example
, watching the comedy movie to decrease the depression.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to do art and draw to entertain themselves. Though,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to listen or play a music.

To conclude
, I
respectively
disagree with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
our world needs balance between arts and sciences. This is why entertainer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that entertainers are more important than scientists. Support with reasons and examples from your own experience. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
209 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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