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Some people believe that crime rate can be reduced by giving a long punishment, while others say there are alternate ways to reduce crime. Discuss both ways and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that crime rate can be reduced by giving a long punishment, while others say there are alternate ways to reduce crime. v. 1
The process of learning a language is a long and arduous one, and the question of why people might inflict such torment on themselves is worth discussing. While some feel this pursuit is solely a practical one, allowing us to travel or work abroad, others see it as something more. From my perspective, the fluency in non-native language is beneficial in various ways. On the one hand, it is quite natural for people to learn foreign language with an intention to use it for communication while travelling or working abroad. Foreigners’ reaction is usually much more pleasant if the speaker knows their native language and can clearly express his thoughts. Consequently, this person can be considered as a part of local communities as well as welcomed to visit residents’ houses. On the other hand, people also learn languages to read literature and watch films in the original version. Even the most accurate translation might change the original meaning and lead to a deviation. Reading the original version of “Pride and prejudice”, for example, was an enormous pleasure to me and an opportunity to understand the Jane Austin’s world deeper. Furthermore, learning foreign language develops our brains. Switching to a new kind of activity, we stimulate the emergence of new neuron connections and improve our ability to think critically and intuition. That is, studying Chinese not only can help you to find a way home once you will be in Beijing but also makes you smarter. To sum up, although people learn a foreign language to eliminate communication barriers in working or travelling, there are far many advantages of learning it than these two.
The process of learning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is a long and arduous one, and the question of why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might inflict such torment on themselves is worth discussing. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
feel this pursuit is
solely
a practical one, allowing us to travel or work abroad, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it as something more. From my perspective, the fluency in non-native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is beneficial in various ways.

On the one hand, it is quite natural for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to learn foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
with an intention to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for communication while travelling or working abroad. Foreigners’ reaction is
usually
much more pleasant if the speaker knows their native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
and can
clearly
express his thoughts.
Consequently
, this person can
be considered
as a part of local communities
as well
as welcomed to visit residents’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
to read literature and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
films in the original version. Even the most accurate translation might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the original meaning and lead to a deviation. Reading the original version of “Pride and prejudice”,
for example
, was an enormous pleasure to me and an opportunity to understand the Jane Austin’s world deeper.
Furthermore
, learning foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
develops our brains. Switching to a new kind of activity, we stimulate the emergence of new neuron connections and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
critically
and intuition.
That is
, studying Chinese not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can
In informal texts, 'to' is not necessary. Do you mean "help you find"?
help you to find
a way home once you will be in Beijing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
you smarter.

To sum up, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
learn a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
to eliminate communication barriers in working or travelling, there are far
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages of learning it than these two.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people believe that crime rate can be reduced by giving a long punishment, while others say there are alternate ways to reduce crime. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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