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Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree? v.6

Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far v. 6
Sports have a lot of benefits for people, especially, for the young generation. However, some people claim that having competitive sports at schools are useless because students may be a waste of time and these sports are too dangerous. I strongly disagree with this idea since they are vital for children' s development. First of all, although doing physical activities takes students out of primary subjects such as math and literature, there is no doubt that it is an essential part for the learning process of all pupils since it since it creates a healthy basis for later life. Take an example children who do sports every day have fewer opportunities to have the heart attack and avoid obesity. Moreover, thanks to playing sports, student' s brain can be relaxed after long lessons; and consequently, the productivity will be increased. Secondly, it is impossible to argue the fact that competitive sports help students in social skills development like team building and coalition with others. When people play in a team with the same final goal, they will not be selfish. For students playing individual games, they can not only improve their communication and their problem-solving problems but also enlarge their social relations. Besides, playing sports will teach pupils the practical lessons and how to deal with stressful situations. A good example is when you win a highly competitive match, you will be more confident to go ahead. In contrast, when you are a loser, you must stand up and force yourself to the next one. All of these skills are crucial for students in the future works. To sum up, there are no reasons that competitive sports should be neglected in schools because of the vast advantages they bring to children in social skills and both physical and mental health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
, for the young generation.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
at schools are useless
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may be a waste of time and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
. I
strongly
disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
since they are vital for
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s development.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, although doing physical activities takes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
out of primary subjects such as math and literature, there is no doubt that it is an essential part for the learning process of all pupils
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "since it".
since it since it
creates a healthy basis for later life. Take an example children who do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
every day have fewer opportunities to have the heart attack and avoid obesity.
Moreover
, thanks to playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
student&
#039; s brain can
be relaxed
after long lessons; and
consequently
, the productivity will
be increased
.

Secondly
, it is impossible to argue the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in social
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "skills'" or "skill's"?
skills
development like team building and coalition with others. When
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
play in a team with the same final goal, they will not be selfish. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
playing individual games, they can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their communication and their problem-solving problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
enlarge their social relations.
Besides
, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will teach pupils the practical lessons and how to deal with stressful situations. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example is when you win a
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
match, you will be more confident to go ahead.
In contrast
, when you are a loser, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
stand up and force yourself to the
next
one. All of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are crucial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in the future works.

To sum up, there are no reasons that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be neglected
in schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the vast advantages they bring to children in social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and both physical and mental health.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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