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Some people believe that a country becomes more interesting and develops faster when its population includes a mixture of different nationalities and cultures. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that a country becomes more interesting and develops faster when its population includes a mixture of different nationalities and cultures. v. 2
Whether or not cosmopolitan societies develop more rapidly and are in general more interesting has always been a matter of vigorous debates. Some people are in favour, whereas others tend to contradict them. I am inclined to concur with the former, which will be elaborated in this essay. To begin with, the phenomenon caused for the most part by immigration seems to be conducive to building stronger relationships between countries, which, beyond doubt, bolsters the economies of the countries and, in turn, leads to prosperity and higher living standards. For instance, immigrants graduated from overseas universities inevitably introduce some new approaches or knowledge, which apparently is beneficial for the countries admitting thereof. Furthermore, people of different cultures and religions appear to have numerous topics to discuss or traditions and rites to adopt. As opposed to, for example, sports events, discussing or narrating foreign traditions or lores might be far more intriguing or even thrilling. On the contrary, some people claim that outlook people of certain nations bear has proved to be rather incompatible with that of other people. This aspect can hardly be deemed interesting nor beneficial for the development of any kind. Another aspect might be that, at times, people tend to segregate into rather enclosed communities basing on nationality. Isolating from the rest of the nation such people do not contribute to the growth of the economies nor they might be considered interesting for the others. All in all, although different nations and cultures may be seemingly incompatible, I would claim that such benefits as a stronger bond between nations and novelty which such people may bring outweigh it.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
cosmopolitan societies develop more
rapidly
and are
in general
more interesting has always been a matter of vigorous debates.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
, whereas others tend to contradict them. I
am inclined
to concur with the former, which will
be elaborated
in this essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the phenomenon caused
for the most part
by immigration seems to be conducive to building stronger relationships between countries, which, beyond doubt, bolsters the economies of the countries and, in turn, leads to prosperity and higher living standards.
For instance
, immigrants graduated from overseas universities
inevitably
introduce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new approaches or knowledge, which
apparently
is beneficial for the countries admitting thereof.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures and religions appear to have numerous topics to discuss or traditions and rites to adopt. As opposed to,
for example
, sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, discussing or narrating foreign traditions or
Possible spelling mistake found.
lores
might be far more intriguing or even thrilling.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that outlook
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
bear has proved to be
rather
incompatible with that of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This aspect can hardly
be deemed
interesting nor beneficial for the development of any kind. Another aspect might be that, at times,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to segregate into
rather
enclosed communities basing on nationality. Isolating from the rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not contribute to the growth of the
Use a comma before 'nor' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
economies nor
they might
be considered
interesting for the others.

All in all, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
and cultures may be
seemingly
incompatible, I would claim that such benefits as a stronger bond between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
and novelty which such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may bring outweigh it.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that a country becomes more interesting and develops faster when its population includes a mixture of different nationalities and cultures. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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