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Some people believe that competitive sports both team and individual have no place in the school curriculum. How much do you agree or disagree? v.4

Some people believe that competitive sports both team and individual have no place in the school curriculum. How much v. 4
It is a common belief that competitive sports are not good as much as friendly ones in the school programmes, not only as a team, also individuals. I completely disagree in terms of two reasons which are in below paragraphs. In the modern life, the schools' contents are changing day by day based on the needs of the children. Admittedly, youth have a great energy and leisure time, whatever want to do. Thus, many learning hubs organise some sports game among their students. To join a sport club, even if a more competitive one can get benefits for the young people. They can feel confident, patient for the success, open-minded to others. That is to say, these games are useful educational services. For example, two volleyball teams which found at a local university, have managed some charity events in their town. They have not thought about a winner or loser team, all of part of teams has been motivated for the social situation's getting better. Meanwhile, two rival team have closer than ever had. On the other hand, young people cannot take control their feelings easily in every time, particularly such as a sport organisation in the schools. However, if their lecturer or cough act a professional, she or he can learn to them whether or not a gain is not important. The most significant thing is friendship, character, good-tempered in the team. The motto should be done for the group, if a player has had a good character, he or she would have won the match. For instance, Mustafa Kemal Atatürk who found Republic of Turkey, says in his reports, I like the sportsman and sportswomen who are smart, agile and ethics. He encouraged to the youth for being gentleman each other. In conclusion, I restate that sports games should be included in school's programmes, because of student's leisure time activities are so crucial in order to develop their personality. In addition to it, the lecturer and cough should be aware of what the real needs and deficiencies of team's members, so they can manage in an accurate way them in the schools.
It is a common belief that competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
as much as friendly ones in the school
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
,
also
individuals. I completely disagree in terms of two reasons which are in below paragraphs.

In the modern life, the schools' contents are changing day by day based on the needs of the children.
Admittedly
, youth have a great energy and leisure time, whatever want to do.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
learning hubs
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
game among their students. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
club, even if a more competitive one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefits for the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. They can feel confident, patient for the success, open-minded to others.
That is
to say, these games are useful educational services.
For example
, two volleyball
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
which found at a local university, have managed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
charity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in their town. They have not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about a winner or loser
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
,
Consider using "all part" or "all of the part".
all of part
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
has
been motivated
for the social situation's getting better. Meanwhile, two rival
Possible agreement error. The noun 'team' seems to be countable, so consider using: "teams".
team
have closer than ever had.

On the other hand
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
cannot take control their feelings
easily
in every time,
particularly
such as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
in the schools.
However
, if their lecturer or cough act a professional, she or he can learn to them
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
a gain is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. The most significant thing is friendship, character,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
-tempered in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
. The motto should
be done
for the group, if a player has had a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
character, he or she would have won the match.
For instance
, Mustafa
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kemal
Possible spelling mistake found.
Atatürk
who found Republic of Turkey, says in his reports, I like the sportsman and sportswomen who are smart, agile and ethics. He encouraged to the youth for being gentleman each other.

In conclusion
, I restate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
games should
be included
in school's
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of student's leisure time activities are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
crucial in order to develop their personality.
In addition
to it, the lecturer and cough should be aware of what the real needs and deficiencies of team's members,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can manage
Consider replacing "in an accurate way" with the adverb for "accurate"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an accurate way
them in the schools.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that competitive sports both team and individual have no place in the school curriculum. How much v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
354 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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