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Some people believe that children’s success in adulthood is related to the way they have been raised by their parents. Do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion and examples. v.2

Some people believe that children’s success in adulthood is related to the way they have been raised by their parents. Give your own opinion and examples. v. 2
Everyone wants to register for the treasure of success in this contemporary world. Presently, some people are of the opinion that success of adults depend a lot on the way they have been brought up by their parents. Here, I would like to accord with the given statement. There are manifold points to endorse my point of view. First and foremost, quality education provided by guardians is vital to make adolescents successful in their lives. To illustrate, most of juveniles are sent to supreme schools by their parents in order to attain excellent academic skills. Hence, children are expected to become successful doctors, engineers, bank managers and other professionals in their upcoming lives. What is more, parents nourish their off springs with social, moral and cultural values that enable them to succeed in their lives. Further emphasizing on my point of view, many international sports personalities give credit to their parents for making them owner of success. Taking a real life example into consideration, Mahender Singh Dhoni who is a prominent cricketer and former captain of Indian team always appreciate to his father for making him a global star. In his interviews, he mentioned that his father used to encourage him for playing cricket and also sent him to cricket academy for taking trainings from top class trainers. He added that he was motivated by his father to play for long hours in order to become international player. Last but not least, guardians are veteran of life stages and they always guide and support their children socially, emotionally and financially in their journeys of breakthrough. Thus, it is true that parents set the foundation of successful careers of their adolescents. On the contrary, opposite wind is also there. To commence with, some people did not get much support from their parents but they have accomplished name and fame just because of their talent and hard work. My friend Sajjan Kumar is a perfect example, he got the job of teacher in government school by his own efforts. His parents are not only illiterate but also very poor. He did part time job for managing his study outlay and burnt midnight oil for getting this job even he was not given proper guidance and support. To recapitulate, undeniably, some people are great examples of success that is attained own their own. However, parents always have a big hand behind the success of millions of people.
Everyone wants to register for the treasure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in this contemporary world.
Presently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
of adults depend a lot on the way they have
been brought
up by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. Here, I would like to accord with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement.

There are manifold points to endorse my point of view.
First
and foremost, quality education provided by guardians is vital to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
adolescents successful in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. To illustrate,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the juveniles") or simply say "most juveniles".
most of juveniles
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to supreme schools by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in order to attain excellent academic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Hence
, children are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to become successful doctors, engineers, bank managers and other professionals in their upcoming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
What is more
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
nourish their off springs with social, moral and cultural values that enable them to succeed in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
emphasizing on my point of view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
international sports personalities give credit to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for making them owner of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. Taking a real life example into consideration,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mahender
Singh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dhoni
who is a prominent cricketer and former captain of Indian team always appreciate to his father for making him a global star. In his interviews, he mentioned that his father
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to encourage him for playing cricket and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
him to cricket academy for taking trainings from top
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
trainers. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
that he
was motivated
by his father to play for long hours in order to become international player. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, guardians are veteran of life
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
stages and
they always guide and support their children
socially
,
emotionally
and
financially
in their journeys of breakthrough.
Thus
, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
set the foundation of successful careers of their adolescents.
On the contrary
, opposite wind is
also
there.

To commence with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
much support from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have accomplished name and fame
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their talent and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work. My friend
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sajjan
Kumar is a perfect example, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the job of teacher in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
school by his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
efforts. His
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
illiterate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
poor. He did
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
job for managing his study outlay and burnt midnight oil for getting this job even he was not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
proper guidance and support.

To recapitulate,
undeniably
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are great examples of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
that
is attained
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
always have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
hand behind the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
of millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some people believe that children’s success in adulthood is related to the way they have been raised by their parents. Give your own opinion and examples. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
404 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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