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Some people believe that children’s success in adulthood is related to the way they have been raised by their parents. Do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion and examples. v.1

Some people believe that children’s success in adulthood is related to the way they have been raised by their parents. Give your own opinion and examples. v. 1
Given the power and influence of the super-rich, it might be claimed that having a large sum of money is the key way to happiness in life. While this could be true, wealth is not the main factor as there are other things that can contribute to people’s contentment. Admittedly, affluence can partially make people lead a happy life. By achieving financial stability, people would be no longer stressed about their monetary abilities to possess what they want. Things like owning a mansion, driving an expensive car and travelling around the world, which are usually perceived by people as a source of enjoyment, can only be achievable by money. Furthermore, people would not have to work longer hours to provide their families with basic necessities like food or drink. This means they would have a longer quality time to spend with their families, sharing entertaining activities with them such as watching movies or playing sports together, a factor that clearly shows the basic role of money in leading a happy life. However, there are other more important sources of happiness in life, one of which is having a healthy family relationship with a with a spouse and children. When realising that your family is always there for you and support you when things are going well, and when things are not going well, this definitely leads to a contented state of mind. Another cause of lifelong happiness is being helpful to others. By doing charity and volunteer work in their community, being a good citizen and standing up for the downtrodden, people realise their real life’s value and feel empathy and compassion. These feelings stimulate a sense of self-satisfaction which paves the way to more meaningful lifelong happiness. In conclusion, money can partially play a role in living a happy life by owing material possessions and reducing the stress of work. However, having a strong family knits and helping others are more effective ways of obtaining happiness, that transcend any material considerations.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
the power and influence of the super-rich, it might
be claimed
that having a large sum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the key way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. While this could be true, wealth is not the main factor as there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things that can contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
contentment.

Admittedly
, affluence can
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lead a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. By achieving financial stability,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be no longer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
about their monetary abilities to possess what they want. Things like owning a mansion, driving an expensive car and travelling around the world, which are
usually
perceived by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as a source of enjoyment, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be achievable by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work longer hours to provide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
with
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
like food or drink. This means they would have a longer quality time to spend with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, sharing entertaining activities with them such as watching movies or playing sports together, a factor that
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the basic role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in leading a happy life.

However
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sources of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, one of which is having a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationship
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "with a".
with a with a
spouse and children. When
Possible spelling mistake. 'realising' is British English.
realising
that your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is always there for you and support you when things are going well, and when things are not going well, this definitely leads to a contented state of mind. Another cause of lifelong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is being helpful to others. By doing charity and volunteer work in their community, being a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizen and standing up for the downtrodden,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
their real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life’s
value and feel empathy and compassion. These feelings stimulate a sense of self-satisfaction which paves the way to more meaningful lifelong happiness.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
partially
play a role in living a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
by owing material possessions and reducing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of work.
However
, having a strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
knits and helping others are more effective ways of obtaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, that transcend any material considerations.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children’s success in adulthood is related to the way they have been raised by their parents. Give your own opinion and examples. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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