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Nowadays many business meetings and trainings are happening online and not in real offices. Do you think advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages in this matter? v.1

Nowadays many business meetings and trainings are happening online and not in real offices. Do you think advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages in this matter? v. 1
One of the most common arguments held by the masses is that there should be a considerable increase to be done in the retirement age on account of present health improvement promising a long life. Some of people who are about to leave their job see themselves as an abandoned, since they are not strong and energetic enough to work. In their opinion, the retired are the group who are useless and unimportant part of the society. In this case, increasing the retirement age can give such elderly people another chance to spend more time on the way of national progress. In turn, their intention to sacrifice themselves for the country may make the young impressed and motivated. In other words, they will probably become a national icon. On account of these, this change being discussed could lead the society to new challenges and achievements. However, retirement is a precious award given by the government for one who has spent the majority of his life as a working life. A person giving up his job is just about to start a new stage in his life. It is the time when he should have a rest and be taken care. Moreover, there are such tough professions, such as firefighters, that it is unfair to ask them to work more. All we have a job to live on, but few works for human beings and development. Life after retirement means the respect for such kind of people. It demonstrates how the government appreciates the value of employees who have worked hard for a long time. In conclusion, giving either agreement or disagreement is very difficult, since it requires a great life experience. The best final decision, however, should be up to those who are going to retire.
One of the most common arguments held by the masses is that there should be a considerable increase to
be done
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age on account of present health improvement promising a long life.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are about to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
themselves as an abandoned, since they are not strong and energetic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to work. In their opinion, the retired are the group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are useless and unimportant part of the society.
In this case
, increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age can give such elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
another chance to spend more time on the way of national progress.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
turn, their intention to sacrifice themselves for the country may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the young impressed and motivated.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
other words, they will
probably
become a national icon. On account of these, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
being discussed
could lead the society to new challenges and achievements.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
is a precious award
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
for one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has spent the majority of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as a working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. A person giving up his job is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a new stage in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. It is the time when he should have a rest and
be taken
care.
Moreover
, there are such tough professions, such as firefighters, that it is unfair to ask them to work more. All we have a job to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
few works for human beings and development.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Life
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
means the respect for such kind of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. It demonstrates how the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
appreciates the value of employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for a long time.

In conclusion
, giving either agreement or disagreement is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult, since it requires a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experience. The best final decision,
however
, should be up to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are going to retire.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Nowadays many business meetings and trainings are happening online and not in real offices. Do you think advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages in this matter? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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