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Some people believe that children should spend all of their free time with their families. Others believe that this is unnecessary or even negative. Discuss the possible arguments on both sides, and say which side you personally support. v.2

Some people believe that children should spend all of their free time with their families. Others believe that this is unnecessary or even negative. Discuss the possible arguments on both sides, and say which side you personally support. v. 2
Each other of us had putted in arguments about children treatments or child minding in our family, definitely. Some of us believed that children should spend all of their free time with their families and some other believed opposite. The first one who wants the children to stay at home in leisure time, seems are the parents with the negativity sight to society risks. For example, these people mention to child abduction that is becoming popular recently. Furthermore, they talk about the personality of children that have shaped ninety percent before of 7th years old. So they must train at home. Of course, they need to be far from violent society. Otherwise, some of parents believe the successful social lives of children in the future, depends on their playing with peers. Although they worry about the character of their children, but also their attitude about child caring is about bring up a child independent and autonomous. For instance, the confidence of children who brought up with peer pressure was very higher than children who played alone or just with their families in experiments. According to me, my child should be an autonomous child and he has to be independence in the future in his life. He has to learn about how he can defence of his rights. How he can convince others and how he should treat with the bullies in his social life. Therefore, it is not wonder if I say I totally agree with this opinion that children free time should spend with peers and other children, of course in safe environments.
Each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
of us had putted in arguments about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
treatments or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
minding in our family, definitely.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of us believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should spend all of their free time with their families and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
believed opposite.

The
first
one who wants the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to stay at home in leisure time, seems are the parents with the negativity sight to society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
.
For example
, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
mention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
abduction
that is
becoming popular recently.
Furthermore
, they talk about the personality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that have shaped ninety percent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
of 7th years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
train at home.
Of course
, they need to be far from violent society.

Otherwise
,
After 'some of', you should use 'the' ("some of the parents") or simply say "some parents".
some of parents
believe the successful social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the future, depends on their playing with peers. Although they worry about the character of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their attitude about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
caring is about
Consider using a past participle here: "brought".
bring
up a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
independent and autonomous.
For instance
, the confidence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who brought up with peer pressure was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who played alone or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
with their families in experiments.

This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
should be an autonomous
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
child and
he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be independence in the future in his life. He
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
learn about how he can
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
of his rights. How he can convince others and how he should treat with the bullies in his social life.
Therefore
, it is not wonder if I say I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
free time should spend with peers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
of course
in safe environments.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children should spend all of their free time with their families. Others believe that this is unnecessary or even negative. Discuss the possible arguments on both sides, and say which side you personally support. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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