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Some people believe that boys and girls behave differently only because society teaches them that they are different. What is your view? v.2

Some people believe that boys and girls behave differently only because society teaches them that they are different. What is your view? v. 2
Children are created in different gender, specifically boys and girls and they act in a different way. Some citizens believe that those boys and girls perform differently because of society only, while others believe that there is another point of view to explain. It is true that society, especially family, contribute to the children’s attitude. With the assistance of parents, children will be taught that each of them is different so that they will act wisely based on their gender. In addition, the particular environment such as the neighborhood and the local culture also become the factor of educating children why they should act differently. Other citizens will criticize them when the inappropriate activities appear and sometimes there will be a cultural punishment as a consequence. Besides society, there are some factors in this issue. Anatomically, the boys have a stronger structure of bones which makes their physical strength are bigger than girls. Moreover, the percentage of hormones produced in boys and girls, testosterone and estrogen, will affect the psychology of them whether to behave more masculine or more feminine. Eventually, those factors stated will make children know which activities are more appropriate based on their sex. All in all, I believe that the anatomy and psychology which consist of children’s body also affect and control them to conduct naturally as the boys and girls. However, it should be supervised by the parents and the surroundings as the social controller for the children for the qualified characters.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are created
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
gender,
specifically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
girls and
they act in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
citizens believe that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
perform
differently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, while others believe that there is another point of view to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
.

It is true that society,
especially
family, contribute to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
attitude. With the assistance of parents,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be taught
that each of them is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will act
wisely
based on their gender.
In addition
, the particular environment such as the neighborhood and the local culture
also
become the factor of educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
why they should act
differently
. Other citizens will criticize them when the inappropriate activities appear and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
there will be a cultural punishment as a consequence.

Besides
society, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors in this issue.
Anatomically
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
have a stronger structure of bones which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their physical strength are bigger than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
.
Moreover
, the percentage of hormones produced in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
, testosterone and estrogen, will affect the psychology of them whether to behave more masculine or more feminine.
Eventually
, those factors stated will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
know which activities are more appropriate based on their sex.

All in all, I believe that the anatomy and psychology which consist of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
body
also
affect and control them to conduct
naturally
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
.
However
, it should
be supervised
by the parents and the surroundings as the social controller for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for the qualified characters.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that boys and girls behave differently only because society teaches them that they are different. What is your view? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
247 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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