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Some people believe that arts (such as painting and music) do not improve people’s life therefore government should not spend money on it. To that extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that arts (such as painting and music) do not improve people’s life therefore government should not spend money on it. To that extent v. 1
Whether art and artists should receive government funding has always been a topic of debate. Some people argue that the government should spend its money on more important things like health and education instead of sponsoring artists and art events, due to the fact that it has a negligible effect on people’s life. I emphatically disagree with this notion. In my opinion, it is important to spend on art, because of the profits that can provide this sector. It has to be taken into account that, even if artists do not build a bridge or thrive educational system of government, they still contribute to society in their own way and at their own pace. Music, for example, soothes the mind. As it is proved by psychologists of John Hopkins University, listening to music is the best treatment for people with social issues such as isolation, depression, apathy. Moreover, it is the favorite pastime of busy professionals who lead extremely stressed out lives. Various genre of songs assists them to tackle with a daily routine and enjoy themselves and take pleasure in it at the end of the tough day. In other words, by supporting music and musicians, the government is indirectly helping the emotional well being of its people. Furthermore, dancers enthralled the audience with their performance. Cultural programs like music and dance, draw a large audience and generate money. By simply organizing such events for art lovers and tourists, the government can not only help budding artists who need an avenue to showcase their talent, but also generate revenue that can be used for developing other sectors. To conclude, I believe that art should not be neglected. The government must earmark a small portion of its revenue for the promotion of arts because arts generate jobs and help the society on the whole.
Whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
should receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
funding has always been a topic of debate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should spend its money on more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things like health and education
instead
of sponsoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, due to the fact that it has a negligible effect on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s life. I
emphatically
disagree with this notion. In my opinion, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to spend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the profits that can provide this sector.

It
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be taken
into account that, even if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
do not build a bridge or thrive educational system of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, they
still
contribute to society in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way and at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pace.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
,
for example
, soothes the mind. As it
is proved
by psychologists of John Hopkins University, listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is the best treatment for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with social issues such as isolation, depression, apathy.
Moreover
, it is the favorite pastime of busy professionals who lead
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
out
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Various genre of songs assists them to tackle with a daily routine and enjoy themselves and take pleasure in it at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the tough day.
In other words
, by supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and musicians, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is
indirectly
helping the emotional
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Furthermore
, dancers enthralled the audience with their performance. Cultural programs like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and dance, draw a large audience and generate money. By
simply
organizing such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
lovers and tourists, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to bud" or "bud".
budding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
who need an avenue to showcase their talent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
generate revenue that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for developing other sectors.

To conclude
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
should not
be neglected
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
earmark a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
portion of its revenue for the promotion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
generate jobs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the society
on the whole
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people believe that arts (such as painting and music) do not improve people’s life therefore government should not spend money on it. To that extent v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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