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Some people believe that a gap year between school and university is a good idea while others disagree strongly Consider both sides of this debate and present your own opinion v.1

Some people believe that a gap year between school and university is a good idea while others disagree strongly Consider both sides of this debate and present your own opinion v. 1
It is an undeniable fact that crime is one of the major issues being faced by the world these days. It is seen that a large number of criminals continue committing crimes, soon after they are released from the jail, once their punishment period ends. There are a few reasons behind this problem, some of which are covered in this essay. And their possible solutions are also suggested. Firstly, it is the thought process of the criminals that urges them to continue spreading terror and disharmony in the society. For example, multiple studies have been conducted on the serial killers, showing that their psychology and the feeling of happiness that they gain after killing someone, forces them to continue this habit. This, however, can be addressed, if during the time that these killers spend behind the bars, psychologists and psychiatrists are recruited to offer them proper treatment. This would prove to be extremely beneficial in reshaping their minds and would help them stay away from this gruesome act. Secondly, unemployment and poverty faced by the people, especially those living in the underdeveloped countries, adds an important contribution to the rising crime rate. For instance, in countries like Pakistan and Brazil, when prisoners are set free from the lock ups and they try to change themselves by earning the money through the proper means, the lack of jobs that they face pulls them back to the crimes like robbery, thievery and pick pocketing, in order to fulfil the needs of themselves and their families. But, if the governments of these countries offer more job opportunities, especially for the people who are neither well educated nor possess extraordinary skills, this menace of crime could be possibly controlled. To conclude, if the prisoners are provided with adequate psychological treatment during their sentence period, their pursuance to commit crimes could be decreased. Furthermore, if the state takes measures to provide the working places, particularly by promoting small businesses, the people would not need to turn themselves into criminals, in order to earn their livelihood.
It is an undeniable fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is one of the major issues
being faced
by the world these days. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
criminals continue committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
after they
are released
from the jail, once their punishment period ends. There are a few reasons behind this problem,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of which
are covered
in this essay. And their possible solutions are
also
suggested.

Firstly
, it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
process of the criminals that urges them to continue spreading terror and disharmony in the society.
For example
, multiple studies have
been conducted
on the serial killers, showing that their psychology and the feeling of happiness that they gain after killing someone, forces them to continue this habit. This,
however
, can
be addressed
, if during the time that these killers spend behind the bars, psychologists and psychiatrists
are recruited
to offer them proper treatment. This would prove to be
extremely
beneficial in reshaping their minds and would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them stay away from this gruesome act.

Secondly
, unemployment and poverty faced by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
those living in the underdeveloped countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
contribution to the rising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate.
For instance
, in countries like Pakistan and Brazil, when prisoners
are set
free from the
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
lock ups
and they try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
themselves by earning the money through the proper means, the lack of jobs that they face pulls them back to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
like robbery, thievery and pick pocketing, in order to fulfil the needs of themselves and their families.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
of these countries offer more job opportunities,
especially
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are neither
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
nor possess extraordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, this menace of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
could be
possibly
controlled.

To conclude
, if the prisoners
are provided
with adequate psychological treatment during their sentence period, their pursuance to commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
could
be decreased
.
Furthermore
, if the state takes measures to provide the working places,
particularly
by promoting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
businesses, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would not need to turn themselves into criminals, in order to earn their livelihood.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that a gap year between school and university is a good idea while others disagree strongly Consider both sides of this debate and present your own opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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