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The graphs below show current rates of secondary and higher education among people in various parts of the world v.1

The graphs below show current rates of secondary and higher education among people in various parts of the world v. 1
Hardworking and committed human resource is an asset as far as a company is concerned. However some companies believe that dedication can be purchased through money. I strongly disagree with this argument as hard work is an end product of a person's interest, skills and experience rather than just money. It is worthwhile to look deeper into the qualities that define hard work before discussing the skills required for persons in sales positions. Commitment to do work and bring it to an utmost level of perfection is an acquired skill. It is born out of passion and experiences. Basic interest in the subject, openness to learn and eagerness to succeed are the driving force for a person to work to his maximum capability. Salary is just an additional factor which contributes to this process. For example a comparative study done by the University of Manchester states that as the salary increases people tend to feel less passionate about their work. This clearly reveals that money just can't create dedicated workforce. Marketing is one of the most competitive fields and the tasks involved are highly demanding. Hence it is imperative to look for good communication skills and optimistic attitude in the candidates. It is also crucial that the person should demonstrate good integrity as he is going to represent the company to the outside world. As an illustration, a study done by Minnatova states that persons who are confident tend to excel in marketing as compared to those who are shy in nature. His it is important to choose the right nature as the product's future largely relies on him. To conclude, the habit of working hard to attain a specific goal is born out of passion and experiences. Money just plays a supportive role in the whole process. It is better to give importance to a persons skills and nature while recruiting for a sales position.
Hardworking and committed human resource is an asset as far as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is concerned
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
believe that dedication can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. I
strongly
disagree with this argument as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
product of a person's interest,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and experience
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. It is worthwhile to look deeper into the qualities that define
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
discussing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
required for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
in sales positions.

Commitment to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and bring it to an utmost level of perfection is an acquired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
. It
is born
out of passion and experiences. Basic interest in the subject, openness to learn and eagerness to succeed are the driving force for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to his maximum capability. Salary is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
an additional factor which contributes to this process.
For example
a comparative study done by the University of Manchester states that as the salary increases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to feel less passionate about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. This
clearly
reveals that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
can't create dedicated workforce.

Marketing is one of the most competitive fields and the tasks involved are
highly
demanding.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
it is imperative to look for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and optimistic attitude in the candidates. It is
also
crucial that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
should demonstrate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
integrity as he is going to represent the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to the outside world. As an illustration, a study done by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Minnatova
states that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
who are confident tend to excel in marketing as compared to those who are shy in nature. His it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to choose the right nature as the product's future
largely
relies on him.

To conclude
, the habit of working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to attain a specific goal
is born
out of passion and experiences.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
plays a supportive role in the whole process. It is better to give importance to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and nature while recruiting for a sales position.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graphs below show current rates of secondary and higher education among people in various parts of the world v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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