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Some people believe schools should teach children lessons about how to handle money. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe schools should teach children lessons about how to handle money. v. 1
It is considered by some persons that educational establishment should ensure that children are tutored on handling money. In my opinion, I strongly disagree that offsprings should be shown the way on how to control money because, it might led to failure in school and peer pressure. To start with, the first aspect parents must focus on is the educational pursuit of a child. This involves ensuring a child excel in his or her studies by monitoring the curricular activities of the school to know the impact on the child. Teaching a child on how to handle money at a tender age is completely wrong because it will lead the progeny astray thereby instilling wrong impact on them. To illustrate, I was opportune to conduct a seminar on moral behaviours in school, I realised that 50% of the questionnaires distributed portends that the students were already exposed to the love of money. This as a result will influence innocent children in the school. Another point to itemise is that, it allows young boys and girls to yield to bad associations among their peers. This implies that, such a child will begin to look for a means of making money to meet up with the fashion in vogue. For instance, my 10year old niece who recently visited us during third term holiday was fascinated on some things I got for my children which her parents might not be able to afford. The adverse effect of this is that, the unnecessary demand will be to much on the parents. To conclude, the aftermath effect of children being exposed to money might be detrimental to their studies and could cause precarious effect on the other children.
It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
persons that educational establishment should ensure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are tutored
on handling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. In my opinion, I
strongly
disagree that
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
should
be shown
the way on how to control
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, it might
The verb 'might' requires the base form of the verb: "lead"
led
to failure in school and peer pressure.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, the
first
aspect parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
focus on is the educational pursuit of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. This involves ensuring a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
excel in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
studies by monitoring the curricular activities of the school to know the impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. Teaching a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
on how to handle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
at a tender age is completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will lead the progeny astray thereby instilling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
impact on them. To illustrate, I was opportune to conduct a seminar on moral
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
in school, I
Possible spelling mistake. 'realised' is British English.
realised
that 50% of the questionnaires distributed portends that the students were already exposed to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. This
as a result
will influence innocent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the school.

Another point to
Possible spelling mistake. 'itemise' is British English.
itemise
is that, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
young boys and girls to yield to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
associations among their peers.
This implies that
, such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to look for a means of making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up with the fashion in vogue.
For instance
, my 10year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
niece who recently visited us during third term holiday
was fascinated
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
for my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which her parents might not be able to afford. The adverse effect of this is that, the unnecessary demand will be
Did you mean "too"?
to
much on the parents.

To conclude
, the aftermath effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
being exposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
might be detrimental to their studies and could cause precarious effect on the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe schools should teach children lessons about how to handle money. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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