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Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give advantage for both and your point of view. v.5

Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give advantage for both and your point of view. v. 5
Vacations bring delight for students considering their enormous subject pressure. Some people believe multiple short vacations are required for their relaxation, but others assume one long vacation will help them to find part time jobs, which will help them to pay their tuition fees. In the following passage, I will explain more advantage of this these thoughts, before declaring my view. During my school days, I used to have multiple short vacations in an academic year, which will help me to get refreshed by meeting with friends and relatives. In addition, many students use their time to concentrate on their hobbies such as: attending musical classes, playing games, etc. Also, the monotonous routine of going to school required frequent breaks to prevent them from being exhausted with exam pressure. There fore, it is believed multiple short vacations will help students to improve their concentration in studies. On the other side, multiple long vacation will help students to find part time jobs, which will aid them to pay their school fees. More over, this would also reduce burden on their parents, as well as to create more responsibility at young age. For instance, my friend while pursuing his masters went for part time jobs during his long vacation, which helped to settle his accommodation cost to a great extent. Further more, pupils can go to other countries to relax them selves and to engross their knowledge in learning various nation’s traditions, how ever, such trips can’t be planned in short vacations. Thus, it is believed long vacations will help students to find jobs and to be independent. To sum up, even though one long vacation will aid them to earn money for some students it is not, hence, multiple short vacations are the preferred choice which will help them get relax and will concentrate on their studies in leaps and bounds.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Vacations
bring delight for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
considering their enormous subject pressure.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacations
are required
for their relaxation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others assume one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
will
In informal texts, 'to' is not necessary. Do you mean "help them find"?
help them to find
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to pay their tuition fees. In the following passage, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
more advantage of this these thoughts,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
declaring my view.

During my school days, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacations
in an academic year, which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
refreshed by meeting with friends and relatives.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to concentrate on their hobbies such as: attending musical classes, playing games, etc.
Also
, the monotonous routine of going to school required frequent breaks to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from
being exhausted
with exam pressure.
This word is normally spelled as one.
There fore
, it
is believed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacations
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their concentration in studies.

On the other side,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to find part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, which will aid them to pay their school fees. More over, this would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
burden on their parents,
as well
as to create more responsibility at young age.
For instance
, my friend while pursuing his masters went for part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
during his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to settle his accommodation cost to a great extent.
Further
more, pupils can go to other countries to relax
Did you mean "themselves"?
them selves
and to engross their knowledge in learning various nation’s traditions,
Did you mean "however"?
how ever
, such trips can’t
be planned
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacations
.
Thus
, it
is believed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacations
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and to be independent.

To sum up,
even though
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
will aid them to earn money for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
it is not,
hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacations
are the preferred choice which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relax and will concentrate on their studies in leaps and bounds.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give advantage for both and your point of view. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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