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Some people believe famous person people's support towards international aid organizations draws attention to problems. Others think celebrities make the problem less important. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people believe famous person people's support towards international aid organizations draws attention to problems. Others think celebrities make the problem less important. v. 2
Many people argue about the effect of the well- known persons when they involve in global aid organizations. While some people think that their action lessens the significance of the problem, I strongly believe that those make community paying more attention. On the one hand, there is a wide variety of reasons for the less significant of the problem when celebrities participate in activities of global aid organizations. First of all, many people think that these actions just with an aim to enhance their reputation. And even, they have no interest in or passion on those. Secondly, the focus of the public may be shifted away from the problem to famous person’s public image. As a result, the object of the problem may not is obtained and instead of problems, maybe are the raising of fame and public image of the celebrity concerned. On the other hand, I believe that celebrities’s assistance make a huge positive impact on the problem. One of the reason is that famous persons have a huge number of fans who are willing to support their idol. For example, Vu Cat Tuong – my big idol – one of the famous singer and songwriter who took part in lots of charities. Given that I am her big fan and one of the members of her fan club so I know exactly what one fan club can do for their idol such as donating money from fan club’s member for the underprivileged children and needy patients, delivery food and drink to homeless people. Another reason is that the community is often trusted in famous people so it is easy to attract the attention of community on the problem. Having the well- known person’s support, it will surely bring either money or moral donation to international relief organizations. In conclusion, although celebrities’s support may have some drawbacks, it seems to me that their activities have an enormous positive impact on the community.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue about the effect of the well- known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
when they involve in global aid organizations. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that their action lessens the significance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, I
strongly
believe that those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
paying more attention.

On the one hand, there is a wide variety of reasons for the less significant of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
when celebrities participate in activities of global aid organizations.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these actions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
with an aim to enhance their reputation. And even, they have no interest in or passion on those.
Secondly
, the focus of the public may
be shifted
away from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
public image.
As a result
, the object of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
may not
is obtained
and
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, maybe are the raising of fame and public image of the celebrity concerned.

On the other hand
, I believe that
Did you mean "celebritie’s" or "celebrities’"?
celebrities’s
assistance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a huge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. One of the reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
have a huge number of fans who are willing to support their idol.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vu
Cat
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tuong
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
my
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
idol
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
singer and songwriter who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in lots of charities.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
that I am her
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
fan and one of the members of her fan club
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I know exactly what one fan club can do for their idol such as donating money from fan club’s member for the underprivileged children and needy patients, delivery food and drink to homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Another reason is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
trusted in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is easy to attract the attention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. Having the well- known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
support, it will
surely
bring either money or moral donation to international relief organizations.

In conclusion
, although
Did you mean "celebritie’s" or "celebrities’"?
celebrities’s
support may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, it seems to me that their activities have an enormous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe famous person people's support towards international aid organizations draws attention to problems. Others think celebrities make the problem less important. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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