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Some people believe famous people's support towards international aid organizations draws the attention to problems, while others think celebrities make the problems less important. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe famous people's support towards international aid organizations draws the attention to problems, while others think celebrities make the problems less important. v. 1
As some worldwide problems such as hunger, extreme weathers and severe diseases still linger today, celebrities are often involved in some activities held by international aid organizations to help tackle these problems. Personally, while the involvement of famous people may have some negative effects on these activities, I strongly believe they play an important role in helping deal with these problems. The opponents of celebrities’ presence in some charitable activities argue that they would make these problems less important by diverting people’s attention away from the problem itself. This is because once a famous singer or an actor participates in an activity that is aiming to raise some funds for the needy people, the majority of the public, especially the youngsters, tend to focus on the gossip or even affairs of this celebrity. In this case, few people would pay attention to the real purpose of the charitable activity and the goal of raising money would possibly fail. On the other hand, those who are in favour of the participation of celebrities in promoting social welfare believe that these famous people would exert a significant influence on arousing people’s attention. The reason lies in that these celebrities act as spiritual idols for hundreds and thousands of people, and they have nearly millions of followers on their social media. On this occasion, there is a high possibility for their fans to be inspired and just follow what they do if they donate money or support a group of people. For example, Beyoncé is a well-known artist with a huge number of fans all over the world and she has been working on defending women’s basic rights. With her help, an increasing number of people are joining in to help provide high-quality education for girls and eliminate social discrimination against females in their workplaces. In conclusion, I firmly believe that celebrities are indispensable in helping solve problems while they may attract people’s attention on them.
As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
worldwide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as hunger, extreme weathers and severe diseases
still
linger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
involved in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
held by international aid organizations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
tackle these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
Personally
, while the involvement of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, I
strongly
believe they play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in helping deal with these problems.

The opponents of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities’
presence in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
argue that they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
by diverting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
away from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
itself. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
once a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
singer or an actor participates in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
that is
aiming to raise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
funds for the needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the majority of the public,
especially
the youngsters, tend to focus on the gossip or even affairs of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
.
In this case
, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to the real purpose of the charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
and the goal of raising money would
possibly
fail.

On the other hand
, those who are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the participation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
in promoting social welfare believe that these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would exert a significant influence on arousing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
. The reason lies in that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
act as spiritual idols for hundreds and thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and they have
nearly
millions of followers on their social media. On this occasion, there is a high possibility for their fans to
be inspired
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
follow what they do if they donate money or support a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, Beyoncé is a well-known artist with a huge number of fans all over the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
world and
she has been working on defending women’s basic rights. With her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are joining in to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
provide high-quality education for girls and eliminate social discrimination against females in their workplaces.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are indispensable in helping solve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
while they may attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
on them.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe famous people's support towards international aid organizations draws the attention to problems, while others think celebrities make the problems less important. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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