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Some people believe everyone has the right to get university education. To what extent do you agree government should make it free to all people no matter of their financial background? v.1

Some people believe everyone has the right to get university education. v. 1
The majority of people think that information sharing in science, business, and theories play an important role in our modern world, while others say that it is not necessary to publish know-how to community. From my perspective, I agree with the point of view that we should not reveal many precious information in a public way, which can have multiple negative impacts on the development of society and economy. On the one hand, it is needless to say that this information delivered in the right way will have many merits. Firstly, it not only broadens citizens’ horizons but also raises their awareness in social contribution. For example, when we know about the invention of sophisticated digital camera, we can request to install this equipment with the traffic light system that can help to observe traffic congestion in urban cities. Moreover, this sharing can boost economy growth in many industries. With the advancement of technology and cutting-edge knowledge about it, we can apply them to business models and create more positive effects. It gives us the opportunities to improve the productivity, make more profits and systemize the manufacturing. On the other hand, I must admit that there is some information related to business credentials and patents that should be concealed in front of the public for many reasons. It can be competitive benefits of nations or entrepreneurs that is tough to share with others. If these know-hows are public, it can give the competitors chance to defeat them, thereby, it should keep in secret as their key advantages. In addition to this, these materials are complicated and require a certain levels to understand them; therefore, they are only for professionals and experts in some fields. We can realize that this sharing cannot bring any value to society and it is not vital to share with the crowd. In conclusion, I still believe that we should not share precious information to the media, especially in business, science. It can damage the nation competition or organization benefits in many aspects.
The majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
sharing in science,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, and theories play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our modern world, while others say that it is not necessary to publish know-how to community. From my perspective, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the point of view that we should not reveal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
Consider replacing "in a public way" with the adverb for "public"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a public way
, which can have multiple
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the development of society and economy.

On the one hand, it is needless to say that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
delivered in the right way will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
merits.
Firstly
, it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
broadens citizens’ horizons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
raises their awareness in social contribution.
For example
, when we know about the invention of sophisticated digital camera, we can request to install this equipment with the traffic light system that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to observe traffic congestion in urban cities.
Moreover
, this sharing can boost economy growth in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
industries. With the advancement of technology and cutting-edge knowledge about it, we can apply them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
models and create more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects. It gives us the opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the productivity,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more profits and systemize the manufacturing.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
admit that there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
credentials and patents that should
be concealed
in front of the public for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons. It can be competitive benefits of nations or entrepreneurs
that is
tough to share with others. If these know-hows are public, it can give the competitors chance to defeat them, thereby, it should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in secret as their key advantages.
In addition
to this, these materials
are complicated
and require a certain levels to understand them;
therefore
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for professionals and experts in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fields. We can realize that this sharing cannot bring any value to society and it is not vital to share with the crowd.

In conclusion
, I
still
believe that we should not share precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to the media,
especially
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, science. It can damage the nation competition or organization benefits in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe everyone has the right to get university education. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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