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Some people believe children should participate in team sports instead of individual sports. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe children should participate in team sports instead of individual sports. v. 2
Sporting activities have a plethora of benefits for children. Some people thus assert taking part in team sports is more advantageous for students. I, however, disagree with this notion and believe partaking in individual sports teaches children to be independent and more competitive which is by far more beneficial for them. One aspect which illustrates the benefit of participating in individual sports for children can be identified as independence. If youngsters are encouraged to participate in these sports, there will be no teammate to help them, forcing them to rely on their own skills and competency, which in turn teaches them how to accomplish tasks independently. For instance, a paper published by Arman Kazemi, a world-renowned psychologist, revealed that 79 percent of adolescents who had partaken in individual activities such as swimming, wrestling, and martial arts, are more successful in completing daily tasks by themselves when they grow up. This highlights the positive effect of individual sports in acquiring independence. Another line of thoughts suggests individual sports help students to be more competitive. Children who play these types of sports have no helping hand to cover their weaknesses, allowing them to identify and develop their weaknesses, which in turn leads them to achieve a higher degree of proficiency. These students thus will be always at the zenith of their performance and competitiveness. Statistics of a study conducted by the Yale University in 2017, for example, acknowledge that an overwhelming majority of school teenagers who play individual sports have a higher competitive morality compared to their peers. All in all, this essay has clearly shown that participating in individual sports teaches school-age children how to be more competitive and independent, both of which are vital in our era; thus, I completely disagree with the notion that suggests encouraging students to take part in group activities.
Sporting activities have a plethora of benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
thus
assert taking part in team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is more advantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. I,
however
, disagree with this notion and believe partaking in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be independent and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
which is by far more beneficial for them.

One aspect which illustrates the benefit of participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be identified
as independence. If youngsters
are encouraged
to participate in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, there will be no teammate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them, forcing them to rely on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and competency, which in turn teaches them how to accomplish tasks
independently
.
For instance
, a paper published by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Arman
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kazemi
, a world-renowned psychologist, revealed that 79 percent of adolescents who had partaken in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
activities such as swimming, wrestling, and martial arts, are more successful in completing daily tasks by themselves when they grow up. This highlights the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in acquiring independence.

Another line of thoughts suggests
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who play these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have no helping hand to cover their weaknesses, allowing them to identify and develop their weaknesses, which in turn leads them to achieve a higher degree of proficiency. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
thus
will be always at the zenith of their performance and competitiveness. Statistics of a study conducted by the Yale University in 2017,
for example
, acknowledge that an overwhelming majority of school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
who play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
morality compared to their peers.

All in all, this essay has
clearly
shown that participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teaches school-age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
and independent, both of which are vital in our era;
thus
, I completely disagree with the notion that suggests encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in group activities.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe children should participate in team sports instead of individual sports. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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