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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The automobile is destroying our quality of life. v.268

The automobile is destroying our quality of life. v. 268
With the global availability of media nowadays, sports persons can generate a significant amount of revenue by advertisement and other means, far more than various other people doing important jobs for the human race. Many argue that it is acceptable because, to become a successful player requires hard work and devotion. Others, however, are of the view, and I fully agree with them, that those who are working for the ease and survival of mankind should be rewarded more than others. The sports have developed into an industry over the past fifty years and now people are choosing it as a profession because it pays enormously. However, to become a professional of such level is a tall order and one has to put in some real hard work and commitment to achieve this goal. It also requires many sacrifices in life. For example, these athletes have to follow a strict physical activity program and a specialized diet from a very early life. In other words, they have to sacrifice their favourite foods and comforts of life in their youth. So many people believe that it is justified to earn a handsome money after all these efforts. On the other hand, another view is that, though sports professionals are earning a good name for their country and provide entertainment for the people, other professionals are working for the survival of humanity. To put it another way, the doctors, engineers, scientists and teachers are providing such services which are essential for the health of present and future generation and they are actually responsible for all the easiness that has been brought to our lives. So these people should be rewarded more than sports persons in terms of money. To conclude, I firmly believe that those who are working for the betterment of others should be paid more than those related to entertainment industry like sports professionals.
With the global availability of media nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
persons can generate a significant amount of revenue by advertisement and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
means, far more than various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
jobs for the human race.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
argue that it is acceptable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, to become a successful player requires
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and devotion. Others,
however
, are of the view, and I
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with them, that those who are working for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
and survival of mankind should
be rewarded
more than others.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have developed into an industry over the past fifty years and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are choosing it as a profession
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it pays
enormously
.
However
, to become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
of such level is a tall order and one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
put in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and commitment to achieve this goal. It
also
requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sacrifices in life.
For example
, these athletes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
follow a strict physical activity program and a specialized diet from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early life. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sacrifice their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
foods and comforts of life in their youth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it
is justified
to earn a handsome money
after all
these efforts.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, another view is that, though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
are earning a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
name for their country and provide entertainment for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
are working for the survival of humanity. To put it another way, the doctors, engineers, scientists and teachers are providing such services which are essential for the health of present and future
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
generation and
they are actually responsible for all the easiness that has
been brought
to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be rewarded
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
persons in terms of money.

To conclude
, I
firmly
believe that those who are working for the betterment of others should
be paid
more than those related to entertainment industry like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The automobile is destroying our quality of life. v. 268

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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