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Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. v.5

Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. v. 5
In recent days, there is an ongoing debate whether the main factor of working is a salary or an enjoyable environment. Some assert that having high income will help people solving the economic problems, while the others believe that gaining happiness is not only because of having much money but the important one is working in a friendly place. I personally reckon that both views are essential things but I think having enjoyable work is the most important one. Therefore, I will support my view with some considerations. People obtaining high income will be able to encounter their financial problems because they can fulfil their daily needs. They believe that money can buy happiness because people will be able to buy some luxury things which amuse them. However, it can make them money oriented people. They spend much time only for working consequently they have no time with their family or even their own. Furthermore, they will be full of stress in accomplishing their workload. On the other hand, people who overly enjoy their time in working field will consider their jobs as something which they love to do so because it is supported by the environment. It can increase their motivation in finishing the workloads. Taken the example, when an employee is encouraged by the others around them, they will try to give their best in their jobs. Moreover, it can increase the sense of belonging towards their works. To sum up, having high salary is not only the primary factor to gain a bright future life, but it also needs affection in the workplace.
In recent days, there is an ongoing debate whether the main factor of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is a salary or an enjoyable environment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
high income will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
solving the economic problems, while the others believe that gaining happiness is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
much money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in a friendly place. I
personally
reckon that both views are essential things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
enjoyable work is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one.
Therefore
, I will support my view with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
considerations.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
obtaining high income will be able to encounter their financial problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can fulfil their daily needs. They believe that money can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
luxury things which amuse them.
However
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them money oriented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They spend much time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
consequently
they have no time with their family or even their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Furthermore
, they will be full of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
in accomplishing their workload.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
overly
enjoy their time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
field will consider their jobs as something which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
is supported
by the environment. It can increase their motivation in finishing the workloads. Taken the example, when an employee
is encouraged
by
Consider using "the surrounding others".
the others around them
, they will try to give their best in their jobs.
Moreover
, it can increase the sense of belonging towards their works.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
high salary is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the primary factor to gain a bright future life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
needs affection in the workplace.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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