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Some people argue that it is better to be unemployed than to be employed in jobs they do not enjoy. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people argue that it is better to be unemployed than to be employed in jobs they do not enjoy. v. 2
In recent times, employment has been in the limelight and has aroused wide concern for the pernicious effects associated with it. Some people are of the fervent conviction that unemployment is better than working job what they do not like. In my opinion, I totally agree this view. Admittedly, a discontented job can bring various merits such as some money for a living. However, its cost are much higher compared to benefits. On one hand, it is obvious that working attitude is negatively affected if we have to do the job what we are not fond. No one wants to devote all his heart to a job what he hates, which resulted in not only below-standard working quality but also bad mental health. Moreover, keeping doing a job what we do not like prevent us from opportunities that our beloved careers offer. For example, if you accidently find a job that you like and want to change post instantly, but the law say that you have to notice the human resources manager one month in advance, the golden chance may pass by right in front of your face. On the other hand, being unemployed temporarily may bring about chances to do some amazing things that can even change your life. One high school of mine provides an attractive story about his life as an example. After graduation, he got accepted to become an officer. However, the job was so boring that he decided to quit after 3 months and started to learn photography, which has been always dreaming of since he was a little boy. He spent all savings to buy DSLC camera, registered a photography courses, became a freelancer and spent all time to travel and take pictures of stunt sceneries. Until now, he got some local and international prizes for his creative work, and became a full-time photographer with high salary. In conclusion, it is possibly senseless to convey the idea that working jobs what we do not like is superior to become unemployment.
In recent times, employment has been in the limelight and has aroused wide concern for the pernicious effects associated with it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the fervent conviction that unemployment is better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
what they do not like. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
this view.

Admittedly
, a discontented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can bring various merits such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money for a living.
However
, its cost are much higher compared to benefits. On one hand, it is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
attitude is
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
if we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
what we are not fond. No one wants to devote all his heart to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
what he hates, which resulted in not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
below-standard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
quality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
mental health.
Moreover
, keeping doing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
what we do not like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
us from opportunities that our beloved careers offer.
For example
, if you
Possible spelling mistake found.
accidently
find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
that you like and want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
post
instantly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the law say that you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
notice the human resources manager one month in advance, the golden chance may pass by right in front of your face.

On the other hand
,
being unemployed
temporarily
may bring about chances to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amazing things that can even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
your life. One high school of mine provides an attractive story about his life as an example. After graduation, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
to become an officer.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
boring that he decided to quit after 3 months and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to learn photography, which has been always dreaming of since he was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
boy. He spent all savings to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
Possible spelling mistake found.
DSLC
camera, registered a photography courses, became a freelancer and spent all time to travel and take pictures of stunt sceneries. Until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
local and international prizes for his creative work, and became a full-time photographer with high salary.

In conclusion
, it is
possibly
senseless to convey the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
what we do not like is superior to become unemployment.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people argue that it is better to be unemployed than to be employed in jobs they do not enjoy. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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