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Some people argue that arts, such as paintings and music, are a waste of money and the government should spend this money on other public services. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.2

Some people argue that arts, such as paintings and music, are a waste of money and the government should spend this money on other public services. with this statement? v. 2
Nowadays person's life is busy and stressful. For the relaxation purpose they pursue some activities like painting, singing, dancing and so on. Some people argue that government should not have to support arts like painting and music while, others believe that government should have to invest money on the public facilities. I opine those who say that government invest money on public services. There are ample reasons supporting this argument. First of all, government should invest huge amount of money healthcare, better transportation, infrastructure, educational institutions and so forth. They also argue that investing enormous amounts of cash on such amenities government can boost their economy. Secondly, every individual has a right to assess basic facilities like food, home and drinking water. For instance, many countries' populations are not getting their basic facilities due to government invest heavily on entertainment, defence budget, research and development. Thirdly, by doing such developments, government can improve standard quality of life of the nation. On the other hand, some people argue that arts like painting, singing, dancing are the way to express artists internet and talent. They also add that without such leisure activity a man become workaholic and live under stress. By doing such activities people can balance between work and personal life. Also, millions of artists are getting their bread and butter from the entertainment industry. In conclusion, I admit that leisure activities indeed useful in relation and stress booster, but I strongly believe that government first focus on basic facilities to access every individual in the nation.
Nowadays person's life is busy and stressful. For the relaxation purpose they pursue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like painting, singing, dancing and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
support arts like painting and music while, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
invest
money on the public facilities. I opine those who say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
invest
money on public services.

There are ample reasons supporting this argument.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
invest
huge amount of money healthcare, better transportation, infrastructure, educational institutions and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth. They
also
argue that investing enormous amounts of cash on such
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "amenities'" or "amenity's"?
amenities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can boost their economy.
Secondly
, every individual has a right to assess basic facilities like food, home and drinking water.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries' populations are not getting their basic facilities due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
invest
heavily
on entertainment,
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
budget, research and development.
Thirdly
, by doing such developments,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
standard quality of life of the nation.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that arts like painting, singing, dancing are the way to express artists internet and talent. They
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
that without such leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
become workaholic and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

By doing such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can balance between work and personal life.
Also
, millions of artists are getting their bread and butter from the entertainment industry.

In conclusion
, I admit that leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
indeed
useful in relation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
booster,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
first
focus on basic facilities to access every individual in the nation.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people argue that arts, such as paintings and music, are a waste of money and the government should spend this money on other public services. with this statement? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
256 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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