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Some people agree that children should ask for parent's advice. Some Disagree. Discuss both views and share your own opinion. v.2

Some people agree that children should ask for parent's advice. Some Disagree. v. 2
Some people believe that an advertisement has lured us to purchase things that are not of necessity. But others are of the view that advertising enlightens us of new products which might ameliorate our lives. I strongly believe agree that ads motivate consumers to buy unwanted things. To begin with, there are compelling reasons why ads encourage people to purchase unneeded items and their influence on not only on adults but also on kids. Firstly, multi-national corporations create meticulously crafted ads to entice consumers to buy their products. For instance, famous, fast food chain MC Donald’s advertising artefacts tempts the children and the adults, such as buy one get one, free drinks, free toys with ice-creams, playrooms in-order to sell their kids meals, burgers. Secondly, some restaurants offer fastest food delivery through advertising on plethora platforms like TV, newspapers, online etc. this lures people with busy office schedule to purchase their items even though it is not required. Consequently, people become more materialistic as advertising compounds their desire to buy more. However, there are some merits of ads. The primary advantage is awareness of new products. There are certain circumstances in which informative advertisements can benefit people in their daily lives. For example, medical campaigns, school admission, mobile operator recharge plan etc. To conclude, I firmly believe that advertising gives people a lot of temptation town unwanted things through fancy ads and an influx of campaigns across the television channels. On the bright side, advertisement can be informative and influence the pricing of goods.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that an advertisement has lured us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
things that are not of necessity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
others are of the view that advertising enlightens us of new products which might ameliorate our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I
strongly
believe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that ads motivate consumers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
unwanted things.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are compelling reasons why ads encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
unneeded items and their influence on not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
on kids.
Firstly
, multi-national corporations create
meticulously
crafted ads to entice consumers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
their products.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food chain MC Donald’s advertising
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
tempts the children and the adults, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
one, free drinks, free toys with ice-creams, playrooms in-order to sell their kids meals, burgers.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restaurants offer
A determiner is probably missing here: "the fastest".
fastest
food delivery through advertising on plethora platforms like TV, newspapers, online etc. this lures
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with busy office schedule to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
their items
even though
it is not required.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become more materialistic as advertising compounds their desire to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
more.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits of ads. The primary advantage is awareness of new products. There are certain circumstances in which informative advertisements can benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For example
, medical campaigns, school admission, mobile operator recharge plan etc.

To conclude
, I
firmly
believe that advertising gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
temptation town unwanted things through fancy ads and an influx of campaigns across the television channels. On the bright side, advertisement can be informative and influence the pricing of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people agree that children should ask for parent's advice. Some Disagree. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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