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Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.9

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 9
It is sometimes argued that some families prefer to lend their kids cellphones. However, there are those who believe that this gadgets might harmful for adolescents and it is too early to give them this technologies. In my opinion, this is necessary measures to be introduced. Firstly, this essay will discuss the possible damaging for their youngsters, and secondly, it will analyze the perspective benefits without these devices in too early age. On the one hand, proponents of mobile phones believe that this gadget helps to their babies in the long run. This is because the profession of the IT specialists is increasing every year, and their teenagers may improve their skills by using this device. As a result lack of adolescents will be professional in the IT sphere with good experience at the past. However, this argument is flawed mainly because of non-useful materials in cellphones. A prime example is school of Harvard, which give this phones to the kids from their being, as a result this school take the first place in the world. On the other hand, opponents of this tool base their opinion on the assumption that cellphones might damage to the children’s eyesight and that the internet have many no need information and I agree that it is no good to give their teen-agers a mobile phones too early. This is because this gadgets may produce radiation with microwaves, which is harmful for kid’s vision, also this devices have not enough and bad information that claim for teenager’s degradation. As a result after the tiny period of time, lack of children will be wear a glasses, also they will be spent lack of their time. For example, according to recent research of the university of Harvard, many parents who lend their kids cellphones, was spared due to their adolescents was wore a glasses and they had a bad grades at school. In conclusion, though people may vary in their opinions, I am firmly convinced that this gadget is useful tool, but not too early. This is due to the fact that youngsters may worse their eyesight, despite the benefits that they may take from cellphones.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
families prefer to lend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
cellphones.
However
, there are those who believe that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
might harmful for adolescents and it is too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
to give them
Did you mean "these"?
this
technologies. In my opinion, this is necessary measures to
be introduced
.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss the possible damaging for their youngsters, and
secondly
, it will analyze the perspective benefits without these devices in too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age.

On the one hand, proponents of mobile phones believe that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadget
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to their babies in the long run. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the profession of the IT specialists is increasing every year, and their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
by using this device.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result lack of adolescents will be professional in the IT sphere with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
experience at the past.
However
, this argument
is flawed
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of non-useful materials in cellphones. A prime example is school of Harvard, which give this phones to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
from their being,
as a result
this school take the
first
place in the world.

On the other hand
, opponents of this tool base their opinion on the assumption that cellphones might damage to the children’s eyesight and that the internet have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
no need information and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to give their
Possible spelling mistake found.
teen-agers
a mobile phones too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
may produce radiation with microwaves, which is harmful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid’s
vision,
also
Did you mean "these"?
this
devices have not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
information that claim for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
’s degradation.
As a result
after the tiny period of time, lack of children will be wear
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a glass" or simply "glasses"?
a glasses
,
also
they will
be spent
lack of their time.
For example
, according to recent research of the university of Harvard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents who lend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
cellphones,
was spared
due to their adolescents was
Consider using a past participle here: "worn".
wore
a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
glasses and
they had a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
grades at school.

In conclusion
, though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may vary in their opinions, I am
firmly
convinced that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadget
is useful tool,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
.
This is due to the fact that
youngsters may worse their eyesight, despite the benefits that they may take from cellphones.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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