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Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. Discuss both view and give your opinion. v.7

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 7
In this essay I will discuss both views regarding whether or not it is good for parents to give their children mobile phones. I will furthermore express my opinion and give explanations. To begin with, while mobile phones are necessary in the day and age, they may obstruct other daily activities. In my opinion I strongly agree that parents should give their children mobile phones. Firstly, in a society heavily reliant on technology, phones have become somewhat of a necessity nowadays. For example, parents may rely on phones to ensure the safety of their offspring. Moreover, emergency services and many other services function mainly through digital technology and thus not having a phone may be problematic. Subsequently, a child may find it difficult to obtain assistance if required. In addition, the phones are also looked at as a social necessity. For instance, children without phones may appear unpopular or get bullied. Therefore, having a phone can be argued to be a must. In my opinion, I strongly agree that children should have phones, . In contrast, others may argue that mobile phones may obstruct other valued activities. To illustrate this, an example would be a child spending many hours on their phones as opposed to working out, this means that the child may suffer in other aspects and as a result, achieve poor results. Also, education may be reduced as well as some outdoor activities. So while phones are useful for some things they may actually be detrimental. I would argue, however, that parents should control the usage hours of mobile phones by their children. In conclusion, phones are needed for many services, but may lead to other consequences. It is clear that even though there are valid arguments as to where or not parents should give their children mobile phones, that their monitored use is beneficial. It is recommended that parents give their children mobile phones.
In this essay I will discuss both views regarding
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
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parents
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. I will
furthermore
express my opinion and
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give
explanations. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, while mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are necessary in the day and age, they may obstruct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
daily activities. In my opinion I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mobile phones.

Firstly
, in a society
heavily
reliant on technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have become somewhat of a necessity nowadays.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may rely on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to ensure the safety of their offspring.
Moreover
, emergency services and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
services function
mainly
through digital technology and
thus
not having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
may be problematic.
Subsequently
, a child may find it difficult to obtain assistance if required.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are
also
looked at as a social necessity.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
may appear unpopular or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bullied.
Therefore
, having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
can
be argued
to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
. In my opinion, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .


In contrast
, others may argue that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
may obstruct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
valued activities. To illustrate this, an example would be a child spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
as opposed to working out, this means that the child may suffer in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects and
as a result
, achieve poor results.
Also
, education may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outdoor activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are useful for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things they may actually be detrimental. I would argue,
however
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should control the usage hours of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
by their children.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are needed
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
services,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
may lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
consequences. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
even though
there are valid arguments as to where or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, that their monitored
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
is beneficial. It
is recommended
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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