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Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.6

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones while others disagree. v. 6
Children now-a-days tend to to use cell phones. Few parents consider this as an appropriate act, while others treat this as an improper one. This essay will discuss both the aspects with detailed examples and I will provide my opinion on this discussion. Firstly, In the recent times, there is an enormous growth in the crime rate in the society. There were a plethora of hazardous incidents happening all over the world. Thus, certainly children are the one's who should be provided an extreme care and safety. Therefore, in order to overcome such emergency situations, they should be provided a cell phone. For an example, in the year 2019 August, a child was abducted by a 30 year old guy called Azmir at the Secunderabad cross roads. Fortunately, the child was carrying a cell phone with him and he was able to contact his parents. Thus police were able to rescue the child. On the other hand, mobile phones are hazardous to the children too, if they are addicted to them. Over usage of mobiles will lead to several diseases such as eye infections, Obesity, Malnutrition etc. Unfortunately, now-a-days mobiles are integrated with several addictive gaming apps, which is a serious concern. For an instance, in a recent survey conducted in Hyderabad in the year 2019, there were about 2000 kids who suffered from health issues at a very young age. So mobiles should be accessible to children only after certain age limit. In conclusion, I believe that mobiles should be provided to kids only after certain age limit. Therefore, parents need to monitor and restrict their children from accessing the phones. Furthermore, this will result in shaping a bright future for the kids.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
-a-days tend
Possible typo: you repeated a word
to to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. Few parents consider this as an appropriate act, while others treat this as an improper one. This essay will discuss both the aspects with detailed examples and I will provide my opinion on this discussion.

Firstly
, In the recent times, there is an enormous growth in the crime rate in the society. There were a plethora of hazardous incidents happening all over the world.
Thus
,
certainly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are the one's who should
be provided
an extreme care and safety.
Therefore
, in order to overcome such emergency situations, they should
be provided
a cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
. For an example, in the year 2019 August, a child
was abducted
by a 30 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
guy called
Possible spelling mistake found.
Azmir
at the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Secunderabad
cross roads.
Fortunately
, the child was carrying a cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
with
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
him and
he was able to contact his parents.
Thus
police were able to rescue the child.

On the other hand
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are hazardous to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
too, if they
are addicted
to them. Over usage of mobiles will lead to several diseases such as eye infections, Obesity, Malnutrition etc. Unfortunately,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
-a-days mobiles
are integrated
with several addictive gaming apps, which is a serious concern. For an instance, in a recent survey conducted in Hyderabad in the year 2019, there were about 2000 kids who suffered from health issues at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
mobiles should be accessible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
after certain age limit.

In conclusion
, I believe that mobiles should
be provided
to kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
after certain age limit.
Therefore
, parents need to monitor and restrict their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from accessing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
Furthermore
, this will result in shaping a bright future for the kids.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones while others disagree. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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