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Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.5

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 5
While some parents are of the opinion that is significant to provide cell phones to their youngsters. However, others believe that it can have negative effects. Furthermore, in my point of view, I believe that it can have disadvantages. In the next paragraphs, I will discuss this issue. First of all, it is a positive way to stay connected with your child. The reason for this is that with a cell phone it is easier to communicate with your counterpart in any circumstances. Furthermore, it is also stressed relieving when you know that your son or daughter is protected. For example, making contact when your child is coming late from school. All in all, with this development it is possible to receive any data that is important for us as parents. On the other hand, young teenagers are immature and can use the technology in a negative way. The reason for this is that electrical devices are attractive for those age groups. Although, they do not realise that it can make their life harder to survive. For example, a lot of students are using their lecture lessons on their smart phones and social media, which can cause that information can be missing and it can be demanding to prepare for an exam. Furthermore, it can cause the huge amount of adults being in a relationship with a youngster. So, that's why it is better not to give a smartphone until they are a bit mature. To conclude, some mothers and fathers believe that it is good to give their children a cell phone, while others do not agree with it. In my opinion, I totally disagree that they should have a phone, because it can affect their education and they can be trapped by an older person on the internet.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents are of the opinion
that is
significant to provide cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to their youngsters.
However
, others believe that it can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.
Furthermore
, in my point of view, I believe that it can have disadvantages. In the
next
paragraphs, I will discuss this issue.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way to stay connected with your child.
The reason for this is
that with a cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
it is easier to communicate with your counterpart in any circumstances.
Furthermore
, it is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
relieving when you know that your son or daughter
is protected
.
For example
, making contact when your child is coming late from school. All in all, with this development it is possible to receive any data
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for us as parents.

On the other hand
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are immature and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the technology in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way.
The reason for this is
that electrical devices are attractive for those age groups.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, they do not
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their life harder to survive.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
students are using their lecture lessons on their smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and social media, which can cause that information can be missing and it can be demanding to prepare for an exam.
Furthermore
, it can cause the huge amount of adults being in a relationship with a youngster.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, that's why it is better not to give a smartphone until they are a bit mature.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mothers and fathers believe that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to give their children a cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, while others do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with it. In my opinion, I
totally
disagree that they should have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can affect their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
education and
they can
be trapped
by an older person on the internet.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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