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Some parents think children should have mobile phones, others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.3

Some parents think children should have mobile phones, others disagree. v. 3
In this modern age, the profound influence of technology on humans' lives is undeniable. Therefore, several adults believe that cell phones should be provided for their children, while others have an opposite view. This essay is going to look at two perspectives and state personal opinion. To ease the concerns of some parents about their kids' whereabouts, they feel that electronic gadgets, such as phones, are a necessity. Due to the accelerating advancement in technology, communication between humans have improved much since; hence, it would be simple for the adults to know their juveniles' locations by calling or texting them. The advantages of mobile phones are not limited to keeping in touch, but they can help a child's academic development. Compared to the past, when finding information was a dull and painful task, children today can look up the information needed for their assignments or schoolwork. For instance, Wikipedia is a resourceful website for students to find out more about famous scientists, a nation's history. In contrast, numerous parents view such device as unsuitable for the young ones. It is likely because besides its usefulness in communication and effectiveness, mobile phones can be a major distraction. They could neglect their homework and exercise, or spend most of their time surfing the Internet instead of doing outdoor activities. The consequence of their school performance and physical health can be dire. Furthermore, the young generation today do not receive a phone just for texting to their parents, they utilize it for many purposes. Parents can not control all the adolescents' activities on the Internet, nor can they know who their children are talking with on social media. Without proper knowledge, their kids could become the perfect prey for paedophiles or kidnappers. In conclusion, mobile phones are indeed useful in contacting with families and friends, searching information. However, I believe that until the juveniles are equipped with sufficient life skills and high awareness level, prior to that, a mobile phone brings more harm than benefit to them.
In this modern age, the profound influence of technology on humans'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
is undeniable.
Therefore
, several adults believe that cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
should
be provided
for their children, while others have an opposite view. This essay is going to look at two perspectives and state personal opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the concerns of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
about their kids' whereabouts, they feel that electronic gadgets, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, are a necessity. Due to the accelerating advancement in technology, communication between humans have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
much since;
hence
, it would be simple for the adults to know their juveniles' locations by calling or texting them. The advantages of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are not limited to keeping in touch,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
a child's academic development. Compared to the past, when finding information was a dull and painful task, children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
can look up the information needed for their assignments or schoolwork.
For instance
, Wikipedia is a resourceful website for students to find out more about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
scientists, a nation's history.

In contrast
, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
view such device as unsuitable for the young ones. It is likely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
besides
its usefulness in communication and effectiveness, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can be a major distraction. They could neglect their homework and exercise, or spend most of their time surfing the Internet
instead
of doing outdoor activities. The consequence of their school performance and physical health can be dire.
Furthermore
, the young generation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
do not receive a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for texting to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, they utilize it for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
purposes.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
can not control all the adolescents' activities on the Internet, nor can they know who their children are talking with on social media. Without proper knowledge, their kids could become the perfect prey for
Possible spelling mistake. 'paedophiles' is British English.
paedophiles
or kidnappers.

In conclusion
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are
indeed
useful in contacting with families and friends, searching information.
However
, I believe that until the juveniles
are equipped
with sufficient life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and high awareness level, prior to that, a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
brings more harm than benefit to them.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents think children should have mobile phones, others disagree. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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