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some parents think children should have a mobile phone, others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

some parents think children should have a mobile phone, others disagree. v. 1
Although some guardians believed that it is good if kids own cell phones, however, others think that it is of no use. I completely agreed with the notion that smartphone are not better for juvenile as it affects their education and health. On the one hand, many children are provided with a mobile phone in order to keep in touch with their parents when they are out home. They can be in contact at any time or in any place. In other words, since these days in most of families both the parents are working, giving a cell phone to children aid them not only keep an update about their adolescents; but also, keep them informed during an emergency. For instance, the majority of working couples believed that certain application in smartphone assist them to keep a track on their children’s routine activities and traveling routes. On the other hand, the most valid reason for dismissing the use of mobile phone by children is that they end up wasting their precious time. To be precise, cell phone these days are equipped with vivid application such as WhatsApp and Facebook, thereby, using it for socializing and playing games, which divert their attention from studies. Furthermore, Digital phones can be a major distraction. Youngsters spend most of the time surfing on the internet instead of doing outdoor physical activities. Consequently, excessive usage of mobile phones leads to health issues such as depression and sleep disorders. In conclusion, smartphones are indeed useful in contacting families and friends, however, I opine that mobile phone brings more harm to youngsters in the form of addiction and deteriorating health conditions owing to excessive usage.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
guardians believed that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
if kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
however
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is of no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with the notion
The verb 'are' is plural. Did you mean: "that smartphone is"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
that smartphone are
not better for juvenile as it affects their education and health.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are provided
with a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
in touch with their parents when they are out home. They can be in contact at any time or in any place.
In other words
, since these days in
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the families") or simply say "most families".
most of families
both the parents are working, giving a cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
aid them not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
an update about their adolescents;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
them informed during an emergency.
For instance
, the majority of working couples believed that certain application in smartphone assist them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
routine activities and traveling routes.

On the other hand
, the most valid reason for dismissing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up wasting their precious time. To be precise, cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
these days
are equipped
with vivid application such as WhatsApp and Facebook, thereby, using it for socializing and playing games, which divert their attention from studies.
Furthermore
, Digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can be a major distraction. Youngsters spend most of the time surfing on the internet
instead
of doing outdoor physical activities.
Consequently
, excessive usage of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
leads to health issues such as depression and sleep disorders.

In conclusion
, smartphones are
indeed
useful in contacting families and friends,
however
, I opine that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
brings more harm to youngsters in the form of addiction and deteriorating health conditions owing to excessive usage.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay some parents think children should have a mobile phone, others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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