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some parents prefer to put their kids in a private school, other would prefer to put their kids in a public school. what do you prefer and why? v.1

some parents prefer to put their kids in a private school, other would prefer to put their kids in a public school. what do you prefer and why? v. 1
Several people believe that international tourist should be paying more Money than natives. When they visit important sites of the country. I do not agree with this idea and believe that charges should be exactly the same. From a context, it might seem logical to charge foreign tourists more to enter the traditional and cultural place. As most of those historical shrines and monuments are government authorities and they collect money as tax from local residents. From this regard, many of them feel that local residents are already paying a portion of ticket money as tax to the government. However, this is a very narrowed view and this rule dissatisfy the tourists as many of them feel it as discrimination. Collecting an extra charge from the outside people is a shortsighted step. Furthermore, in other hand, satisfied tourists encourage their friends and family to holiday the places, and increases in the number of visitors simultaneously raise the income of a country. Meanwhile, if those travellers feel unhappy due to paying an extra penny than locals, leads to share their dissatisfaction with other foreign tourists. For instance, many picturesque sceneries and breathtaking views are asked to pay extra tax for international visitors, Thus it hesitates them to visit certain places. Though, it strongly effect on the income sources of provincial. Moreover, it would be tough for the authority to maintain those important places. From this aspect, having an equal entrance fee has a better impact. To conclude, from a broader viewpoint, having the same ticket fee, both for the residents and foreign tourists, to allow the entrance to any nationally and historically important place, including a museum, park and historical places is more effective and I completely agree that the fee should not be different.
Several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
should be paying more Money than natives.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
they visit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sites of the country. I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and believe that charges should be exactly the same.

From a context, it might seem logical to charge foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
more to enter the traditional and cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
. As most of those historical shrines and monuments are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
authorities and
they collect money as tax from local residents. From this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them feel that local residents are already paying a portion of ticket money as tax to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
However
, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
narrowed view and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
dissatisfy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them feel it as discrimination. Collecting an extra charge from the outside
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
a shortsighted step.

Furthermore
, in other hand, satisfied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
encourage their friends and family to holiday the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
, and increases in the number of visitors
simultaneously
raise the income of a country. Meanwhile, if those
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
feel unhappy due to paying an extra penny than locals, leads to share their dissatisfaction with other foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
picturesque sceneries and breathtaking views
are asked
to pay extra tax for international visitors,
Thus
it hesitates them to visit certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
.
“Though” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Though
, it
strongly
Did you mean "effects"?
effect
on the income sources of provincial.
Moreover
, it would be tough for the authority to maintain those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. From this aspect, having an equal entrance fee has a better impact.

To conclude
, from a broader viewpoint, having the same ticket fee, both for the residents and foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
the entrance to any
nationally
and
historically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
, including a museum, park and historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
is more effective and I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the fee should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay some parents prefer to put their kids in a private school, other would prefer to put their kids in a public school. what do you prefer and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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