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Some parents offer their school age children money for each grade(mark) they get in school. Do you think is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers v.1

Some parents offer their school age children money for each grade(mark) they get in school. Do you think is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers v. 1
Money is an essential commodity to humans. It is not only used as a means for buying and selling, it can also be used to secure one’s future. In today’s world many parents offer their young one’s money for each of the high marks they were able to achieve in class while some parents are of the opinion that it isn’t necessary because they feel that’s what they ought to do and it’s not necessary to offer these young one’s monetary benefit. In my opinion I think young ones needs to be offered monetary benefits for two important reason which I will discuss in this essay. First of all, monetary benefit serves as a source of motivation for this young ones to concentrate in school. Knowing they would be offered money for this high grade helps these young ones to focus on their studies in school. This in turn helps these young ones to pass their exams in flying colors. For example, in my basic two class my parent noticed that I don’t concentrate in class as was reported by my teachers. This affected my grades seriously because I’m always come with an average grades in class. My parent then resorts to giving me money for every high grades I was able to achieve. In no time I began to concentrate in class, and this impacted on my grade. Because after the exam I was among the top three in terms of grade that finished the second term of basic two. As my parent noticed the effect of this monetary benefit they promised me that they’ll continue to do that so long I keep turning out such grades. This motivated me throughout my high school days and it was reflected in my final WAEC exam. I had all distinctions in my paper. As you can see monetary benefits for young ones can help in motivating them to concentrate in class and in turn affect their grades positively. Another reason is that monetary benefits can help a young child to imbibe a saving culture. Many young ones been paid these stipends by their parent for their good grades in school often quickly save this money and this helps them to inculcate the habit of saving, which in turn helps them when they reach adulthood. My own example demonstrates this to be a reality. During these years my mother pay me for doing well in school I often try as much to save most of these money. By the time I was done with my high school, I needed to get a laptop, with no time I was able to get it with the money I saved when I was in high school. This saving culture I was able to imbibe then also helped me when I started working because when I got my first job I wasn’t paid much. In spite of this, I was still able to save from the little I got from the job. This experience taught me that this money given to me by my parent for good grades achieved back then, helped to imbibe a good culture in me which later helped me in my adulthood. In sum, though some parent may oppose this idea, giving money to young ones is a very positive act. Not only does it improve the concentration of these young ones, in turn making them do well in school, it also helps to imbibe a saving culture in them. Every parent should give this method a try so as to reap the benefits that comes from it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is an essential commodity to humans. It is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a means for buying and selling, it can
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to secure one’s future. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
offer their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for each of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
marks they were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to achieve in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are of the opinion that it isn’t necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel that’s what they ought to do and it’s not necessary to offer these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
. In my opinion I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
needs to
be offered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
for two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason which I will discuss in this essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
serves as a source of motivation for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
to
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concentrate
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Knowing they would
be offered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
to focus on their studies in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
turn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
to pass their exams in flying colors.
For example
, in my basic two
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
noticed that I don’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concentrate
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
as
was reported
by my teachers. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
seriously
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I’m always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with an average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
then resorts to giving me
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
I was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to achieve. In no time I began to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concentrate
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, and this impacted on my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grade
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
after the exam I was among the top three in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grade
that finished the second term of basic two.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
noticed the effect of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
they promised me that they’ll continue to do that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
long I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
turning out such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
. This motivated me throughout my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
days and it
was reflected
in my final WAEC exam. I had all distinctions in my paper. As you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in motivating them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concentrate
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
turn
affect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
positively
.

Another reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
child to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imbibe
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
been paid
these stipends by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
quickly
save this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them to inculcate the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
, which in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
turn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them when they reach adulthood. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
example demonstrates this to be a reality. During these years my mother pay me for doing well in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
try as much to save most of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. By the time I
was done
with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, I needed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a laptop, with no time I was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
I saved when I was in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
I was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imbibe
then
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
my
first
job I wasn’t paid much.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
this, I was
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to save from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
from the job. This experience taught me that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to me by my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
achieved back then,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imbibe
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
in me which later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me in my adulthood.

In sum, though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
may oppose this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
act. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the concentration of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
turn
making them do well in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, it
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imbibe
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
in them. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
should give this method a try
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
reap the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from it.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
106Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents offer their school age children money for each grade(mark) they get in school. Do you think is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
596 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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