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Should countries intervene in a genocides in another country where a lot of civilians might be killed? Explain your answer v.2

Should countries intervene in a genocides in another country where a lot of civilians might be killed? Explain your answer v. 2
Genocide is one of the disastrous event that can ever happen to a nation. Not only does it lead to the loss of lives of many people including young ones and women, it also leads to the decimation of a lot of material possession that one has spent several years to acquire. Today many are of the idea that a country that is able to help shouldn’t intervene in another country where genocide would take place because they feel this might escalate the toll of event. In my own view I think a country who can help, should readily offer a helping hand to a country where genocide might lead to the death of the civilians for two important reasons which I’ll discuss in this essay. The main reason is that it restores peace back to the nation. A country who wants to intervene would likely send its military to this country where such events want to take place. Not only that they would provide camps for people who might be affected and secure such camps so as to keep the people safe before the problem is totally solved. For example, my country Nigeria sent troops of soldier to Mali in 1989 when the country is going through a rough time because of deliberate mass killing of civilians of a particular tribe. The soldiers were able to provide foods for the people who were affected by this genocide attempt. Not only that the soldiers were able to provide camps where these people who were affected by this were properly secured and taken care of. The soldiers armed such places so as to prevent the attack of such camps. In no time the soldiers were able to negotiate for peace to reign back in the nation of Mali. This led to the freedom of this affected political stratum and they were able to live in peace with other citizens of the country. As you can see the intervention of the military group helped to restore peace and reduce the casualties that must have come from the that genocide. Another reason is that this helps to preserve the economy of such country and other countries. A Country where such activities is taking place would suffer from economic hardship because people of such land would not be able to go about their day to day activities and work would be affected. Not only that countries that benefit from the produce of such countries would also suffer because economic activities would shut down and most likely the ports would cease to work where export activities should have taken place. For instance, few weeks of the killings in Mali, this led to reduction in the production of farm produce in no time many people in Mali started to feel the heat of the event and there is starvation in the land because the country couldn’t produce their farm produce. Similarly, neighboring country like Ghana also suffered from this because they depend on the cocoa produced by Mali to produce their own beverages which they export to other countries. But because of the intervention of the military troop from Nigeria, activities were immediately resumed and things went back to normal. This experience taught me the importance of a country intervening in another country where genocide is about to take place. In sum, it can be clearly seen that it is important for a country to intervene in genocide threat of a country. Not only does it restore peace back to the affected nation, it also helps preserve the economy. I’ll advise every nation to be of helping hand when such wants to happen in future.
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Genocide
is one of the disastrous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
that can ever happen to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. Not
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only
does it lead to the loss of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
including young ones and women, it
also
leads to the decimation of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
material possession that one has spent several years to acquire.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
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many
are of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that a
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country
that is
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able
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
shouldn’t intervene in another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genocide
would take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel this might escalate the toll of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
. In my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
view I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
a
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country
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who
can
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help
, should
readily
offer a helping hand to a
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country
where
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genocide
might lead to the death of the civilians for two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons which I’ll discuss in this essay.

The main reason is that it restores
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peace
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back
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. A
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country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
wants to intervene would likely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
its military to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
where such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
want to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
. Not
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only
that they would provide camps for
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
might be
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affected
and secure such camps
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
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people
safe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the problem is
totally
solved.
For example
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
Nigeria
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
troops of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soldier
to Mali in 1989 when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is going through a rough time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of deliberate mass killing of civilians of a particular tribe. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soldiers
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to provide foods for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affected
by this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genocide
attempt. Not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soldiers
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to provide camps where these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affected
by this were
properly
secured and taken care of. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soldiers
armed such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the attack of such camps. In no time the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soldiers
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to negotiate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peace
to reign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
back
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
of Mali. This led to the freedom of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affected
political
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
stratum and
they were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peace
with other citizens of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. As you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the intervention of the military group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to restore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peace
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the casualties that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from the that genocide.

Another reason is that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to preserve the economy of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Country
where such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You should probably use: "are".
is
taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
would suffer from economic hardship
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of such land would not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to go about their
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and work would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affected
. Not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that benefit from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
produce
of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
would
also
suffer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
would shut down and most likely the ports would cease to work where export
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
should have taken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
.
For instance
, few weeks of the killings in Mali, this led to reduction in the production of farm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
produce
in no time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Mali
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to feel the heat of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
and there is starvation in the land
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
couldn’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
produce
their farm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
produce
.
Similarly
, neighboring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
like Ghana
also
suffered from this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they depend on the cocoa produced by Mali to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
produce
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
beverages which they export to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the intervention of the military troop from Nigeria,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
were immediately resumed and things went
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
back
to normal. This experience taught me the importance of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
intervening in another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genocide
is about to take place.

In sum, it can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to intervene in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genocide
threat of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
does it restore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
back
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
, it
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
preserve the economy. I’ll advise every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
to be of helping hand when such wants to happen
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
98Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Should countries intervene in a genocides in another country where a lot of civilians might be killed? Explain your answer v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
609 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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