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Some parents educate their own children at home. Others insist that their children should be sent to school. Which way of learning do you think is preferable and why? v.1

Some parents educate their own children at home. Others insist that their children should be sent to school. Which way of learning do you think is preferable and why? v. 1
In recent years, health care industry has made many recent developments for human kind and at a very high pace. Some believe that with these advancements, the people have a longer survival, which is advantageous; however some may differ in opinion. In this essay, I will explain how improved medical care is more beneficial than negative. To begin with, the main advantage would be more experienced minds around us. This is because with expectancy, the elders with detailed knowledge for professions will be longer with us. Additionally, they would enlighten our lives with their valuable advices. Also, the younger generation will have more time to spend with their grandparents and learn the values and morals of life. To add on, people have a better morbidity and standard of living. This is because with life threatening conditions like heart attack and stroke, the outcome has become better. For example, in 1970's 50% of people who had stroke remained bedridden for remaining time, however, this rate has decreased to 8% in 2010. Furthermore, as the elderly are more healthy and independent, less money will be spent on the medicines and day care which would overall help in economic growth as well. To summarize, with the advancement of the health industry, our lives are better by having elders supervision a for longer time and the outcome of such serious conditions has also become better. Thus, leading to better country growth in terms of morals and money as well. Hence, these kinds of development must be promoted by government and people must contribute as much as possible.
In recent years, health care industry has made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
recent developments for human kind and at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high pace.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that with these advancements, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a longer survival, which is advantageous;
however
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may differ in opinion. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
medical care is more beneficial than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the main advantage would be more experienced minds around us. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
with expectancy, the elders with detailed knowledge for professions will be longer with us.
Additionally
, they would enlighten our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with their valuable advices.
Also
, the younger generation will have more time to spend with their grandparents and learn the values and morals of life.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
on,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
morbidity and standard of living. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
with life threatening conditions like heart attack and stroke, the outcome has become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
.
For example
,
The article is probably missing here: "in the 1970's".
in 1970's
50% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who had stroke remained bedridden for remaining time,
however
, this rate has decreased to 8% in 2010.
Furthermore
, as the elderly are more healthy and independent, less money will
be spent
on the medicines and day care which would
overall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in economic growth
as well
.

To summarize
, with the advancement of the health industry, our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
by having elders supervision a for longer time and the outcome of such serious conditions has
also
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
.
Thus
, leading to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
country growth in terms of morals and money
as well
.
Hence
, these kinds of development
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be promoted
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
contribute as much as possible.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents educate their own children at home. Others insist that their children should be sent to school. Which way of learning do you think is preferable and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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