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Some parents do not allow their children to watch TV during school days. Others allow their children to watch TV as long as their school work is finished. Discuss both views v.1

Some parents do not allow their children to watch TV during school days. Others allow their children to watch TV as long as their school work is finished. 1
Some children are not allowed by their parents to watch TV during school days while some others are given the complete freedom to engage in TV watching provided that they have completed their school assignments. I strongly agree with the latter view. On the one hand, some parents opt to prohibit their children from watching TV on school days for a few underlying reasons. Firstly, they may end up not being able to control the amount of time they spend watching TV. In that case, it is likely for them to find it hard to focus on finishing their school tasks, which can consequently lead to a poor academic performance. Secondly, because prolonged exposure to TV screen can cause one’s eye vision to deteriorate, some children are restricted to watching TV only on the weekends to prevent such a health risk. Thirdly, some parents feel the need to encourage them to get involved in other activities such as exercising. This can help prevent them from having an otherwise sedentary lifestyle. On the other hand, it can offer a few benefits to children. To begin with, being a great source of entertainment, TV can help them relieve their stress and relax. Therefore, as children immerse themselves in it, it can reduce their physical and mental exhaustion after a tiring school day. Furthermore, they can benefit from a wide range of education programs available on TV, and thus get the chance to broaden their non-academic knowledge. To sum up, I am firmly convinced that the benefits of children watching TV on school days outweigh the potential drawbacks. The risks can be greatly minimized if parents can advise their children to watch TV on school days in moderation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
days while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the complete freedom to engage in TV watching provided that they have completed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
assignments. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter view.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
opt to prohibit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from watching TV on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
days for a few underlying reasons.
Firstly
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up not being able to control the amount of time they spend watching TV.
In that case
, it is likely for them to find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to focus on finishing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
tasks, which can
consequently
lead to a poor academic performance.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
prolonged exposure to TV screen can cause one’s eye vision to deteriorate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are restricted
to watching TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on the weekends to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
such a health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.
Thirdly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
feel the need to encourage them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in other activities such as exercising. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from having an
otherwise
sedentary lifestyle.

On the other hand
, it can offer a few benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, being a great source of entertainment, TV can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them relieve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and relax.
Therefore
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
immerse themselves in it, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their physical and mental exhaustion after a tiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
day.
Furthermore
, they can benefit from a wide range of education programs available on TV, and
thus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the chance to broaden their non-academic knowledge.

To sum up, I am
firmly
convinced that the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
watching TV on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
days outweigh the potential drawbacks. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
can be
greatly
minimized if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can advise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
days in moderation.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents do not allow their children to watch TV during school days. Others allow their children to watch TV as long as their school work is finished. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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