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Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v.4

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v. 4
The Youth of the present time finds happiness and enjoyment in shopping during their leisure time. Their inclination to find time for other activities has reduced to a large extent. This essay will discuss various reasons behind this issue and finally examine if they should be motivated to do other activities in their free timeslot. Firstly, one of the major reasons behind the youth’s preference to go shopping is their changing lifestyle. Many of them go through a hectic schedule throughout the day so shopping brings them happiness and joy. Secondly, Since it acts as a stress buster for some people, so some of them actually visit the stores to shop, while some wish to stay comfortable in online shopping. Buying new things just out of desire and flaunting in their workplace or college enunciates their status. In my opinion, shopping is not the only thing which one should engage himself in. People should find time to do various other activities in their free time. This will not only help them save money, but also prove to be a massive driver in exploring a better lifestyle. For instance, it is a good idea to involve oneself in any fitness related tasks which will be more useful and help in staying fit. Another good example would be engaging in a hobby class to pursue one’s passion and explore more about the self. In a nutshell, I conclude by saying that despite the multifarious reasons why people indulge themselves in shopping, they should find ways to pursue other activities in order to move out of their closed shell and explore more tasks.
The Youth of the present
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finds
happiness and enjoyment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
during their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Their inclination to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to a large extent. This essay will discuss various reasons behind this issue and
finally
examine if they should
be motivated
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their free
Possible spelling mistake found.
timeslot
.

Firstly
, one of the major reasons behind the youth’s preference to go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is their changing lifestyle.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of them go through a hectic schedule throughout the day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
brings them happiness and joy.
Secondly
, Since it acts as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
buster for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them actually visit the stores to shop, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
wish to stay comfortable in online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. Buying new things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
out of desire and flaunting in their workplace or college enunciates their status.

In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing which one should engage himself in.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them save money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
prove to be a massive driver in exploring a better lifestyle.
For instance
, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to involve oneself in any fitness related tasks which will be more useful and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in staying fit. Another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example would be engaging in a hobby
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
to pursue one’s passion and explore more about the self.

In a nutshell, I conclude by saying that despite the multifarious reasons why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
indulge themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
ways to pursue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out of their closed shell and explore more tasks.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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