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Some parents believe that children in their leisure should be involved in educational activities. While others believe it adds to much pressure on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.4

Some parents believe that children in their leisure should be involved in educational activities. While others believe it adds to much pressure on children. v. 4
It is thought by many that there is a huge upward trend in the people who are complaining about medical problems in a few states. This is a consequence of a large proportion of unhealthy snacks. However, that's why it is important for the regime to increase the tax on these food types. In my point of view, I totally agree that the tax on fast food should increase because it is unhealthy for our body. First of all, it can raise the numbers of obesity in children. The reason for this is that youngsters are consuming a large amount of crisps and chocolate. On top of that, they are unaware of the future results of their upcoming life. For instance, most of them do not realize the weight gain and are still enjoying the nice taste of the products. So that's why, the obesity rate is rising year by year. Secondly, it also develops heart diseases in a long time of period. This is because those products are including a huge amount of fat, which is the biggest cause for the increase of the cholesterol. For example, a rising cholesterol can block the artery in the heart. Moreover, this can lead to a heart attack. For example, a lot of patients with heart problems were not looking after their cholesterol in younger age. All in all, it does affect your future in a negative way. To conclude, a small group of countries is complaining about health problems, as a result of overeating of fast food products. In my opinion, I totally agree that the government should higher the tax rate because this impact develops obesity and can provide other medical problems in the future.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that there is a huge upward trend in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are complaining about medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in a few states. This is a consequence of a large proportion of unhealthy snacks.
However
, that's why it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the regime to increase the tax on these food types. In my point of view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the tax on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food should increase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is unhealthy for our body.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it can raise the numbers of obesity in children.
The reason for this is
that youngsters are consuming a large amount of crisps and chocolate.
On top of that
, they are unaware of the future results of their upcoming life.
For instance
, most of them do not realize the weight gain and are
still
enjoying the nice taste of the products.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that's why, the obesity rate is rising year by year.

Secondly
, it
also
develops
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
diseases in a long time of period. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
those products are including a huge amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, which is the biggest cause for the increase of the cholesterol.
For example
, a rising cholesterol can block the artery in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
.
Moreover
, this can lead to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
attack.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
patients with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
were not looking after their cholesterol in younger age. All in all, it does affect your future in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way.

To conclude
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
group of countries is complaining about health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
,
as a result
of overeating of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food products. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should higher the tax rate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this impact develops obesity and can provide other medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in the future.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents believe that children in their leisure should be involved in educational activities. While others believe it adds to much pressure on children. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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