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Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which jobs should be highly paid? v.3

Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Which jobs should be highly paid? v. 3
It is often observed that people working in the field of sports and entertainment are paid exorbitantly. This essay agrees that while sportsmen and other artists are paid heavily, they have acquired their skills with serious hard work and deserve every penny of it. This essay will first discuss the reason why celebrities and athletes are entitled to receive substantial pay and further, suggest other professions that deserve a high remuneration. Prominent personalities deserve to be highly paid because they help in boosting the profitability of the organisations they endorse. This is to say, people consider sports athletes and television artists as their role models and follow their footsteps. Therefore, companies choose them as their brand ambassador in order to increase the sale of their products and become market leaders. Since, celebrities magnify and uplift the profits of the companies, their high remunerations are justified. To elucidate, a recent survey by The Times on March 2019 showed that by advertising through the famous people, multinational organisations were able to increase the sale of goods by 80 percent. Apart from celebrities, people employed in the armed forces and working as doctors also deserved to be receiving higher payment since they work selflessly for the people of their country. Military personnels are posted at the border, sacrificing their lives in order to protect their country from any danger or terrorist attacks. Moreover, medical practitioners study for years in order to acquire the required skills and knowledge that they can utilise efficiently in order to save peoples' lives. Hence, they well deserve to receive money in millions. To conclude, famous people deserve to receive high income as they not only aid business in gaining huge profits, but they also work very hard in their industry. Besides this, health care practitioners and armed forces also deserve high income because of the unselfish duties they perform.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
observed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in the field of sports and entertainment
are paid
exorbitantly
. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
that while sportsmen and other artists
are paid
heavily
, they have acquired their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
with serious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
every penny of it. This essay will
first
discuss the reason why celebrities and athletes
are entitled
to receive substantial pay and
further
, suggest other professions that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
remuneration.

Prominent personalities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
to be
highly
paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in boosting the profitability of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
they endorse. This is to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider sports athletes and television artists as their role models and follow their footsteps.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
choose them as their brand ambassador in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to increase the sale of their products and become market leaders. Since, celebrities magnify and uplift the profits of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
remunerations
are justified
. To elucidate, a recent survey by The Times on March 2019
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that by advertising through the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, multinational
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
were able to increase the sale of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
by 80 percent.

Apart from celebrities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
employed in the armed forces and working as doctors
also
deserved to be receiving higher payment since they work
selflessly
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of their country. Military
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "personnel", the plural form of the noun 'personnel'?
personnels
are posted
at the border, sacrificing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to protect their country from any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
or terrorist attacks.
Moreover
, medical practitioners study for years in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to acquire the required
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge that they can
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
efficiently
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to save peoples'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Hence
, they well
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
to receive money in millions.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
to receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
income as they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
aid business in gaining huge profits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in their industry.
Besides
this, health care practitioners and armed forces
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
income
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the unselfish duties they perform.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Which jobs should be highly paid? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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