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some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos games and other types of entertainments for children's leisure. how does this affect children. How do you think the problem can be tackled? v.1

some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos games and other types of entertainments for children's leisure. how does this affect children. How do you think the problem can be tackled? v. 1
These days, youngsters spend their free time watching their favourite show on TV or playing video games. The higher intensity of violence in those activities has created tensions among some of the parents. It is because exposure to such scenes has impacted children by making them aggressive and repulsive in nature. This issue can, however, be addressed by conducting sessions  at schools or colleges for parents as well as students on the appropriate usage of phone and TV. Firstly, most of the teenagers can be seen entertaining themselves by playing games on their phone rather than playing outside.   Gaming applications these days have high violence content to an extent to kill the one playing. To cite an example, the well known Blue Whale game has resulted in more than 100 children to end their lives. Also, the crime scenes in certain movies or series provoke youngsters to try out the same. As a result, they become stubborn and stops listening to their family. Consequently, parents tend to fear whether their kid would commit an offence outside anytime. However, there are several ways to tackle this problem. One method is by providing counselling to both parents and students regarding the wise usage of electronic gadgets. For example, caretakers must allot a time for their kids to use it and also monitor their activities. Since reporting and requesting to block every gaming application with violent content in it is not practical, the parents must play a vital role in controlling the actions of their children. In conclusion, most parents fear that the violent content in games and TV shows influence the teenagers by provoking them to imitate the same. Nevertheless, it can be taken care by proper counselling and monitoring.
These days, youngsters spend their free time watching their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
on TV or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The higher intensity of violence in those activities has created tensions among
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
exposure to such scenes has impacted children by making them aggressive and repulsive in nature. This issue can,
however
,
be addressed
by conducting sessions
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
at schools or colleges for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as well
as students on the appropriate usage of phone and TV.

Firstly
, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
entertaining themselves by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on their phone
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outside.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Gaming applications these days have high violence content to an extent to kill the one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
. To cite an example, the well known Blue Whale game has resulted in more than 100 children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Also
, the crime scenes in certain movies or series provoke youngsters to try out the same.
As a result
, they become stubborn and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
listening to their family.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
tend to fear whether their kid would commit an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
outside anytime.

However
, there are several ways to tackle this problem. One method is by providing counselling to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and students regarding the wise usage of electronic gadgets.
For example
, caretakers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
allot a time for their kids to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it and
also
monitor their activities. Since reporting and requesting to block every gaming application with violent content in it is not practical, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
play a vital role in controlling the actions of their children.

In conclusion
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
fear that the violent content in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
influence the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
by provoking them to imitate the same.
Nevertheless
, it can
be taken
care by proper counselling and monitoring.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
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IELTS essay some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos games and other types of entertainments for children's leisure. how does this affect children. How do you think the problem can be tackled? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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