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Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.6

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. v. 6
Logically, it is true that if people work more than average workday, so the more they contribute to the country's economy, compared to those who work less. However, this fact mismatch with reality. Therefore, I certainly disagree that governments gain more taxes and increase the state's budget if only they extend the workday for its citizens. First of all, the long working day is not enough if doesn't use effective management. Thus, increasing of working time is not useful without the use of new technologies, process automation and management strategies. To illustrate, take the economic level of North Korea. It is widely known that North Korea's population is considered as most working population of the Earth, given that an average working day there lasts for 9 hours. However we hardly can say that this country advanced economically. Moreover, even working half a day some countries achieve high progress. Usage of the newest technologies, research and development, effective administration of the daily routines get some regions to the top in the worldwide economic ratings. For example Silicon Valley near the San-Francisco, forty percent of global wealth accumulates in this small area. While people here don't have even an office schedule. Despite their work whenever they want and how long they want the results of their job is hard to overestimate. As a result, we again see here that working duration has nothing in common with increasing some governments budget or populations financial assets. In conclusion, certainly, countries with longer average working terms are not specifically competitive economically, in contrast, countries with less than average working time can be high level players. In other words, any country who aims to have a mature economical condition has to look for any solutions except of adding working hours.
Logically
, it is true that if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
work more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
workday,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the more they contribute to the country's economy, compared to those who work less.
However
, this fact mismatch with reality.
Therefore
, I
certainly
disagree that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
gain more taxes and increase the state's budget if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
they extend the workday for its citizens.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
day is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
if doesn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
effective management.
Thus
, increasing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
time is not useful without the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of new technologies, process automation and management strategies. To illustrate, take the economic level of North Korea. It is
widely
known that North Korea's population
is considered
as most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
population of the Earth,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
day there lasts for 9 hours.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
we hardly can say that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
advanced
economically
.

Moreover
, even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
half a day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
achieve high progress. Usage of the newest technologies, research and development, effective administration of the daily routines
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regions to the top in the worldwide economic ratings.
For example
Silicon Valley near the San-Francisco, forty percent of global wealth accumulates in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
area.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
here don't have even an office schedule. Despite their work whenever they want and how long they want the results of their job is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to overestimate.
As a result
, we again
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
here that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
duration has nothing in common with increasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
budget or populations financial assets.

In conclusion
,
certainly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
terms are not
specifically
competitive
economically
,
in contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with less than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
time can be high level players.
In other words
, any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
who aims to have a mature economical condition
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
look for any solutions except of adding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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