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Some parents are worried about increasing level of violence in TV, videos games and other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you thing problem can be tackled? v.1

Some parents are worried about increasing level of violence in TV, videos games and other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you thing problem can be tackled? v. 1
Worrisome concerns have been raised among some parents for their children who are spending the majority of their leisure time by watching the increased level of violence and dangerous content on the screens like TV and video games. In my view, such contents can be held responsible for the development of anti social behaviour and aggressive personality among them. Combined efforts done by parents and government can handle this issue before long lasting damage being done on children’s behaviours. Firstly, children with a higher exposure to violent and abusive contents through the TV serials, movies and games has increased chances of being diagnosed with psychiatric problems. In fact, such children have deranged cognitive skills and concentration abilities which later on, creating issues for them to cope with the future prospects. Secondly, following the acts performed in the games and movies has escalated both major and minor crimes among children and thus subsequently resulted in juvenile delinquency. For instance, watching the car racing games has led to over speeding and violation of the traffic rules, and war games to drug dealing, kidnapping and robbery. However, the government should strengthen censorship regulations on such kinds of entertainment through banning the violent contents, setting age limit and redefining the airing time to limit the screen exposure to children. Moreover, parents should play a cautious role in supervising the content viewed by their children on the screen. Furthermore, they should spend more time with their children and divert their minds by making them busy in healthy outdoor activities. In case of any psychological issues, parents should timely take the medical help and indulge them in personality development exercises. In conclusion, violent contents can make the children most vulnerable to aggressive and antisocial behaviour which can be avoided under the strict supervision of parents and tight censorships done by the government bodies.
Worrisome concerns have
been raised
among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are spending the majority of their leisure time by watching the increased level of violence and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
on the screens like TV and video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. In my view, such contents can
be held
responsible for the development of
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
anti social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and aggressive personality among them. Combined efforts done by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can handle this issue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
long lasting
damage
being done
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with a higher exposure to violent and abusive contents through the TV serials, movies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has increased chances of
being diagnosed
with psychiatric problems. In fact, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have deranged cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and concentration abilities which later on, creating issues for them to cope with the future prospects.
Secondly
, following the acts performed in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and movies has escalated both major and minor crimes among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
thus
subsequently
resulted in juvenile delinquency.
For instance
, watching the car racing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has led to over speeding and violation of the traffic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, and war
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to drug dealing, kidnapping and robbery.

However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should strengthen censorship regulations on such kinds of entertainment through banning the violent contents, setting age limit and redefining the airing time to limit the screen exposure to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should play a cautious role in supervising the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
viewed by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on the screen.
Furthermore
, they should spend more time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and divert their minds by making them busy in healthy outdoor activities. In case of any psychological issues,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should timely take the medical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and indulge them in personality development exercises.

In conclusion
, violent contents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
most vulnerable to aggressive and antisocial
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
which can
be avoided
under the strict supervision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and tight
Possible spelling mistake found.
censorships
done by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
bodies.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some parents are worried about increasing level of violence in TV, videos games and other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you thing problem can be tackled? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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