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Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today's society. To what extent do you agree with this view? v.21

Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today's society. v. 21
In these days publicity is being inappropriate to the public. And there are people believing this advertise and spending their money on a false information. I fully agree and In this essay I'm going to write my opinion in this matter. Firstly, The main reason of advertisement is to make people know about your identity or the product that you are selling. Even if it was in a wrong way, or by tricking peoples minds. The point is to be popular and to raise your profit. For example, Many companies now is using social media influences and paying them a huge amount of money to oversell their products by getting customers for them. Even if the influence gives the customers misleading information which can harm their health. Sometimes, there are humans buying the product and telling their closest friend and family about it but it's actually contains unlicensed ingredient. To illustrate, There has been a breaking news on the BBC telling about a woman lost a lot of hair just because she bought a shampoo which was promoted to her by an influential. Secondly, some of advertiser is targeting young people. For instance, Burger king attracts children with the toys that come with the meal. Moreover, some research shows that their food is unhealthy and can cause obesity and health issues. Therefore the gourmet should apply some taxes for the junk food industry. To conclude, I think advertising plays a crucial part in the marketing field, but sometimes give people misleading information and fool them to buy the product.
In these
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
publicity is being inappropriate to the public. And there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believing
The verb 'advertise' is plural. Did you mean: "this advertises"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this advertise
and spending their money on
'information' is a mass noun (i.e., uncountable). Therefore, the preceding 'a' is probably wrong.
a false information
. I
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
and In this essay I'm going to write my opinion in this matter.

Firstly
, The main reason of advertisement is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know about your identity or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
that you are selling. Even if it was in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
way, or by tricking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
minds. The point is to be popular and to raise your profit.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is using social media influences and paying them a huge amount of money to oversell their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
by getting customers for them.
“Even if” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Even if
the influence gives the customers misleading information which can harm their health.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, there are humans buying the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
and telling their closest friend and family about it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's actually contains unlicensed ingredient. To illustrate, There has been
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "breaking news".
a breaking news
on the BBC telling about a woman lost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
hair
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a shampoo which
was promoted
to her by
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
an influential
.

Secondly
,
Consider using "some advertiser" or "some of the advertiser".
some of advertiser
is targeting young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Burger king
attracts children with the toys that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with the meal.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that their food is unhealthy and can cause obesity and health issues.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
the gourmet should apply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
taxes for the junk food industry.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
advertising plays a crucial part in the marketing field,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
misleading information and fool them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today's society. v. 21

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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