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Some governments provide financial assistance for retired, unemployed and disabled citizens. In other countries, families provide support for these people. Discuss both systems and give your opinion about which one you think is better. v.2

Some governments provide financial assistance for retired, unemployed and disabled citizens. In other countries, families provide support for these people. v. 2
The role of financial aid in modern society has always been a question of controversy. There’s a common belief that the governments are those who have the obligation to provide funds for local people, while the others argue that financial support should be the responsibility amongst family members. Nevertheless, I am personally convinced with the idea that the government should take the responsibilities to offer financial help. On the one hand, when it comes to ethical code, family members should be the ones to provide financial aid. Since parents have always been those who carry the weight of their family on their shoulder, there is no doubt that even when the children become disabled or unemployed and play as a burden to a family, in order to fulfil the role of a mother and father, parents must have the responsibilities to supply both emotional support and financial help to the youngsters. Furthermore, scientific studies have carried out that the majority of people with disabilities tend to prefer the help provided from their family rather than from the governments. On the other hand, I believe that it will be more vital and beneficial to improve the living conditions of disadvantaged people if the governments provide financial aid. Since people who are living in poor countries or areas with ongoing armed conflicts are likely to suffer from poverty and injuries due to the costs of wars and natural disasters, undoubtedly it is the duty of the government to give financial support to the local residents. In addition, instead of investing in the military force or industrialization, the governments should spend the majority of budget on helping people who are desperately in need of medical help, food, shelter and education. For example: during the post-war famine in 1945, Vietnamese governments had executed a various range of financial supplies which made a fundamental contribution to the improvement in the living standard of the unemployed and injured soldiers. In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that the standard of living of the disadvantaged will be more likely to improve if they receive financial supplies from the governments.
The role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aid in modern society has always been a question of controversy. There’s a common belief that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have the obligation to provide funds for local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, while the others argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
support should be the responsibility amongst
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
Nevertheless
, I am
personally
convinced with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take the responsibilities to offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.

On the one hand, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to ethical code,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members should be the ones to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aid. Since parents have always been those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
carry the weight of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
on their shoulder, there is no doubt that even when the children become disabled or unemployed and play as a burden to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, in order to fulfil the role of a mother and father, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have the responsibilities to supply both emotional support and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to the youngsters.
Furthermore
, scientific studies have carried out that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with disabilities tend to prefer the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
provided from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
rather
than from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.

On the other hand
, I believe that it will be more vital and beneficial to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
conditions of disadvantaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aid. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in poor countries or areas with ongoing armed conflicts are likely to suffer from poverty and injuries due to the costs of wars and natural disasters,
undoubtedly
it is the duty of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
support to the local residents.
In addition
,
instead
of investing in the military force or industrialization, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should spend the majority of budget on helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
desperately
in need of medical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
, food, shelter and education.
For example
: during the post-war famine in 1945, Vietnamese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
had executed a various range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
supplies which made a fundamental contribution to the improvement in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
standard of the unemployed and injured soldiers.

In conclusion
, for the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that the standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
of the disadvantaged will be more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
if they receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
supplies from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some governments provide financial assistance for retired, unemployed and disabled citizens. In other countries, families provide support for these people. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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