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Some employers want to be able to contact their staff at all times, even on holidays. Does this development have more advantages than disadvantages? v.6

Many times in the beginning of a recruitment, every employee is given a contract regarding their office hours. By this, every employee who is accepting the contract agreed to follow protocols and rules as written. In the development of employees’ full time availability, they will likely have less days off than those whose days off is clear. In many cases I have experienced, this development is costing more of the disadvantages rather than the advantages. Every aspect in the employment contract has their own pros and cons. The pros regarding this development are if an emergency happened, especially when there was only one person who specialized in the emergency and they were on their day off, such as doctors. This would allow an employer to call in their employees whenever they see fit. Moreover, it would likely increase employees' salaries depending on the office hours they made. Meanwhile, this development would have a large impact on the health of their employees which may affect their job performances. If an employee is not given a clear schedule, they have to be present at all times. Therefore, their sleep schedule and leisure time would be decreased. Based on the medical journal, enough sleep and relaxation can improve someone’s performance at work. In the light of this, lack of sleep and relaxation will be impacting on their mental health and physical health as well. If your employees are not healthy, then the time they give towards the company will also be a waste because they can not give their maximum ability. Therefore I conclude that it will do no good towards the company and its staff if this development is used. Because a successful company is built on how well they treat their employees.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
in the beginning of a recruitment, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a contract regarding their office hours. By this, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
who is accepting the contract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
to follow protocols and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
as written. In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees’
full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
availability, they will likely have
Did you mean “fewer”? The noun days is countable.
less
days off than those whose days off is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases I have experienced, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is costing more of the disadvantages
rather
than the advantages.

Every aspect in the employment contract has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pros and cons. The pros regarding this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
are if an emergency happened,
especially
when there was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one person who specialized in the
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
emergency and
they were on their day off, such as doctors. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
an employer to call in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
whenever they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
fit.
Moreover
, it would likely increase employees' salaries depending on the office hours they made.

Meanwhile, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
would have a large impact on the health of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
which may affect their job performances. If an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
schedule, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be present at all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
.
Therefore
, their sleep schedule and leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
would
be decreased
. Based on the medical journal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
sleep and relaxation can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
someone’s performance at work. In the light of this, lack of sleep and relaxation will be impacting on their mental health and physical health
as well
. If your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are not healthy, then the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they give towards the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
will
also
be a waste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can not give their maximum ability.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
I conclude that it will do no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
towards the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and its staff if this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
a successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is built
on how well they treat their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
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Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Some employers want to be able to contact their staff at all times, even on holidays. Does this development have more advantages than disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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