Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some educationalist argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft should be compulsory in the secondary school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do v.1

Some educationalist argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft should be compulsory in the secondary school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. 1
For the betterment of students' academic performance, some academicians felt non-exam, entertaining sections be made compulsory for every high school students. Personally, I do not believe adding music, drama, art and craft into school curriculum will improve their academic performance, but will rather distract them. It is often argued that Arts and creating arts be included in school curriculum and made compulsory for students. Proponents of this believes it will improve their academic performance. This, they claim will widen their knowledge, the students will have a clue about every aspect of education including art and culture. For example, during end of the year party in different schools, it has been observed that students who partake in virtually every activities of the event lead his or her class excellently. Also, it is believed that these students go out for competition making the school proud. These has made many parents enroll their wards in such schools. On the other hand, there are strong reasons for arguing that these should not be included in the school curriculum compulsorily. Firstly, distractions set in. Entertainment is a very interesting segment, so these students focus much on it leaving their academic pursuit to suffer. For example, most of the celebrities in the the industry today are school dropouts. Also, the students are exposed to indecent dressings and the use of hard drugs in other to be recognized. At the end, their main purpose of studying suffers. In conclusion, I believe that students will only perform woefully and end up going astray if music, drama or art and craft are made compulsory for all secondary school students.
For the betterment of
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
performance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
academicians felt non-exam, entertaining sections
be made
compulsory for every high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Personally
, I do not believe adding music, drama,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and craft into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
performance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will
rather
distract them.

It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Arts
and creating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
be included
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum and made compulsory for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Proponents of this
Did you mean "beliefs" (noun) instead of believes (verb)?
believes
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
performance. This, they claim will widen their knowledge, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will have a clue about every aspect of education including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and culture.
For example
, during
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the year party in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, it has
been observed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who partake in
virtually
every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "activity"?
activities
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
lead
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
excellently
.
Also
, it
is believed
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
go out for competition making the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
proud.
The verb 'has' is singular. Did you mean: "This has" or "These have", "These haven"?
These has
made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents enroll their wards in such schools.

On the other hand
, there are strong reasons for arguing that these should not
be included
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum
compulsorily
.
Firstly
, distractions set in. Entertainment is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interesting segment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
focus much on it leaving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
pursuit to suffer.
For example
, most of the celebrities in
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
industry
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
dropouts.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are exposed
to indecent dressings and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
drugs in other to
be recognized
. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, their main purpose of studying suffers.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
perform
woefully
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up going astray if music, drama or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and craft
are made
compulsory for all secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some educationalist argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft should be compulsory in the secondary school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts