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Some developed countries have reduced the number of school hours. Is this a positive or negative development? v.2

Some developed countries have reduced the number of school hours. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2
Shortening of the school day is a topic that has been debated a lot recently. There are advantages and disadvantages associated with the school day, which shall be analysed in this essay. I believe it is largely a negative development. On the downside, a shortened school day would reduce the amount of instructional time. For some laboratory classes, reducing the number of minutes in class each day could have a detrimental impact. Shorter segments of instructional time might diminish the quality of instruction. Biology, chemistry, art, physical education and music classes all have the potential to be detrimentally affected. Secondly, if the school day were shortened, the system might have to reduce the number of vacation days or add days at the beginning or end of the school year in order to satisfy the hours requirement. Finally, it would add to the stress of finding day care for after school hours for those parents who are working full time. On the positive side, reducing the number of hours would allow extra time for students to participate in additional or vocational experiences. Students from lower income families would have more time for an after-school job to provide supplemental income to their parents. Students might also have the opportunity to participate in internships, perform community service, take advanced classes or investigate another activity that might broaden their intellectual horizons. Furthermore, there may be some financial savings to the school as teachers would work fewer hours and therefore, would get less pay. The utilities, such as heating, air conditioning, electricity, of the actual school buildings would be used less and contribute to the savings. For example, the potential savings of shortening a school day by 1. 5 hours might result in a savings of 6 percent to 20 percent of the overall budget, depending upon buildings and staffing. To sum up, shorten the school hours would have pros and cons, but the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages.
Shortening of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
day is a topic that has
been debated
a lot recently. There are advantages and disadvantages associated with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
day, which shall be
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
in this essay. I believe it is
largely
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.

On the downside, a shortened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
day would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of instructional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
laboratory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
, reducing the number of minutes in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
each day could have a detrimental impact. Shorter segments of instructional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
diminish the quality of instruction. Biology, chemistry, art, physical education and music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
all have the potential to be
detrimentally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.

Secondly
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
day
were shortened
, the system
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of vacation days or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
days at the beginning or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
year in order to satisfy the
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "hours'" or "hour's"?
hours
requirement.
Finally
, it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of finding day care for after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
for those parents who are working full time.

On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side, reducing the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for students to participate in additional or vocational experiences. Students from lower income families would have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for an after-school job to provide supplemental income to their parents. Students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
also
have the opportunity to participate in internships, perform community service, take advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
or investigate another activity that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
broaden their intellectual horizons.

Furthermore
, there may be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
savings
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as teachers would work fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and
therefore
, would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
less pay. The utilities, such as heating, air conditioning, electricity, of the actual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
buildings would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
less and contribute to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
savings
.
For example
, the potential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
savings
of shortening a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
day by 1. 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
result in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
savings
of 6 percent to 20 percent of the
overall
budget, depending upon buildings and staffing.

To sum up, shorten the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
would have pros and cons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some developed countries have reduced the number of school hours. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
324 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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