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Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interest, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. v.1

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interest, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 1
Some employers ask some questions for their applicants. These questions are mostly about their hobbies and whether their marital status. Some people think these questions are necessary and important. Whereas, some people think these questions make no sense at all. In this essay, we're gonna talk about these both different views. Firstly, let's talk about the pros. Undoubtedly, employers want their employees to be qualified, because of that, they ask questions about their lives and especially their hobbies and interests. It helps to hire more qualified and wiser employees. If we compare qualified and non-qualified jobholder, we'll clearly see that the qualified jobholder will affect positively to the company's sales. Also, he or she will reduce the company's expenditures by working more concentrated than the other usual jobholders. For instance, he or she could do complicated jobs, which are possible to done with two usual workers. It means, the job giver could not pay for an extra worker. Thus, the company's expenditures will be lower. Secondly, it's time to review the cons. Some job givers ask too many questions to their applicants, and that might cause them to lose a skilful employee. For example, you are a student, who has just graduated from the university. You are skilful, wise and clever at your job, but think about your job interview was not well. Questions that he asked were quite hard to understand or you're ill that day. In conclusion, he lost a great worker. I think, the companies should ask less and simple questions to their applicants, otherwise, they might lose some intelligent, hardworking and smart jobholders.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
employers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ask
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
questions
for their applicants. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
questions
are
mostly
about their hobbies and whether their marital status.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
questions
are necessary and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
questions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
no sense at all.

In this essay, we're gonna talk about these both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
's talk about the pros.
Undoubtedly
, employers want their employees to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ask
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
questions
about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
especially
their hobbies and interests.

It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to hire more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
and wiser employees. If we compare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
and non-qualified jobholder, we'll
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
jobholder will affect
positively
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's sales.
Also
, he or she will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's expenditures by working more concentrated than the other usual jobholders.
For instance
, he or she could do complicated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, which are possible to done with two usual workers. It means, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
giver could not pay for an extra worker.
Thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's expenditures will be
Did you mean "lowed", "lowered"?
lower
.

Secondly
, it's time to review the cons.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
givers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ask
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
questions
to their applicants, and that might cause them to lose a
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
employee.
For example
, you are a student, who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
graduated from the university. You are
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
, wise and clever at your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
interview was not well.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Questions
that he asked were quite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to understand or you're ill that day.
In conclusion
, he lost a great worker.

I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ask
less and simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
questions
to their applicants,
otherwise
, they might lose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
intelligent, hardworking and smart jobholders.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interest, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
267 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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