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Some countries with long average working hours are more economically successful than their countries which do not have a long working time. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Some countries with long average working hours are more economically successful than their countries which do not have a long working time. v. 1
It is argued that states having a greater number of job hours are more economically prosperous than states who do not have. The essay disagrees with that statement and will first discuss on the effect of it in people's health and then talk about how it will affect on the working community. A human body should have an enough rest in which having an 8 hours of sleep is needed for he or she can function normally. Having an extended work hours can lead to individual's stress. According to Dr. Mayo's Clinic blog in 2017, it said that 80% of the population who undergoes over time are more prone to depression due to lack of sleep. Thus, both results to the harmful effect on physical and mental well being In a working place, it is important for the employees to finish their task in a given time. But there are some instances where you need to have an extra time for it to finish. And when that happens, you cannot concentrate anymore due to tiredness of work, because of this you cannot focus clearly and will affect your job. In Japan, workers are entitled to have only 8 hours of work per day and should have a day off per week. In that way, Japan has been recognized among the country which have competent workers all over the world. In conclusion, population who does not have a long average number of working hours are more thriving than nations that have long job hours.
It
is argued
that states having a greater number of job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
are more
economically
prosperous than states who do not have. The essay disagrees with that statement and will
first
discuss on the effect of it in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health and then talk about how it will
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on the working community.

A human body should have an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
rest in which having
Did you mean "and"?
an
8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of sleep
is needed
for he or she can function
normally
. Having an extended work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
can lead to individual's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. According to Dr. Mayo's Clinic blog in 2017, it said that 80% of the population who undergoes over time are more prone to depression due to lack of sleep.
Thus
, both results to the harmful effect on physical and mental
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being


In a working place, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the employees to finish their task in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
instances where you need to have an extra time for it to finish. And when that happens, you cannot concentrate anymore due to tiredness of work,
because of this
you cannot focus
clearly
and will affect your job. In Japan, workers
are entitled
to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of work per day and should have a day off per week. In that way, Japan has
been recognized
among the country which have competent workers all over the world.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, population who does not have a long average number of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
are more thriving than nations that have long job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some countries with long average working hours are more economically successful than their countries which do not have a long working time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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