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Some countries have laws that prohibit animals being used in circuses or other forms of entertainment because it is cruel to keep animals in an environment that can cause them stress. Should all countries have laws to prevent animals being used in circuses and similar forms of entertainment? v.1

Some countries have laws that prohibit animals being used in circuses or other forms of entertainment because it is cruel to keep animals in an environment that can cause them stress. Should all countries have laws to prevent animals being used in circuses and similar forms of entertainment? v. 1
Nowadays, it is a ubiquitous notion that manifold animals are being utilised in the bulk of circuses and other entertainment centres. Fortunately, in some countries, there are stringent rules about prohibiting such kind of activities. In this essay, I will accentuate several significant points and give my personal stance on issue. Firstly, banning animals being used should be implemented in all states over the world. Because it is rather illegitimate action that can contribute to tremendous repercussion in the society. Animals are valuable existence and instead tormenting, persons should rescue them painstakingly. However, as bad luck would have it people take advantage of animals via using them in amusements in order to get profit. Actually the consequences of this process can be detrimental and egregious for both animals and mankind. Due to the dearth of freedom, they are getting to be enraged that afflicts their overall mood thoroughly. Even some of them die from such an unbearable circumstance. On the other hand, this procedure is too precarious for people. Indeed these existence should dwell in the wild forests. Because they belong to such an environment and if this condition does not occur, they will not attain the authentic independence. Nevertheless, certain people teach some paramount precepts to them, sometimes the feeling of agitation makes them uncontrolled. In this situation, animals can attack people violently and kill them. Taking all things into account, it seems to me that all governments should impose strict legislation about the depriving these activities. It can be beneficial for animals and persons. As people say prevention is better than cure.
Nowadays, it is a ubiquitous notion that manifold
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are being
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
in the bulk of circuses and other entertainment
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
.
Fortunately
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, there are stringent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
about prohibiting such kind of activities. In this essay, I will accentuate several significant points and give my personal stance on issue.

Firstly
, banning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
should
be implemented
in all states over the world.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
it is
rather
illegitimate action that can contribute to tremendous repercussion in the society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Animals
are valuable existence and
instead
tormenting, persons should rescue them
painstakingly
.
However
, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
luck would have it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
via using them in amusements in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
profit. Actually the consequences of this process can be detrimental and egregious for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and mankind. Due to the dearth of freedom, they are getting to
be enraged
that afflicts their
overall
mood
thoroughly
. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
from such an unbearable circumstance.

On the other hand
, this procedure is too precarious for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Indeed
Did you mean "this existence" or "these existences"?
these existence
should dwell in the wild forests.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they belong to such an environment and if this condition does not occur, they will not attain the authentic independence.
Nevertheless
, certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
teach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
paramount precepts to them,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the feeling of agitation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them uncontrolled. In this situation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
can attack
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
violently
and kill them.

Taking all things into account, it seems to me that all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should impose strict legislation about the depriving these activities. It can be beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and persons.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say prevention is better than cure.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some countries have laws that prohibit animals being used in circuses or other forms of entertainment because it is cruel to keep animals in an environment that can cause them stress. Should all countries have laws to prevent animals being used in circuses and similar forms of entertainment? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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